by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

For many years now, my husband and I have had a very happy relationship. Just recently, this new television program, Who Wants to Be a Millionaire, has come on the air and shattered our domestic tranquility. My hubby has become virtually addicted to this show. My estimation -- it blows. I'd hate to think that it's because of the pulsing music, seductive lighting arrangement or alleged charm of the host, Regis Philbin. Is there any way to resolve this close to intolerable situation?

-- Bored to Tears

Dear Bored to Tears,

I must say that I, too, fail to understand the apparently nationwide fascination with this new and quite irritating game show. The fact that the program has mysteriously shed the question mark from the end of its title is just one of the indications of the dumbed-down nature of this show. Dr. Lovemonkey has long suspected that Jeopardy host Alex Trebek is somewhat of a jerk. No such qualifications are necessary when it comes to the odious Regis.

If the show was honestly named, it would be called Who Wants to Spend 15 Minutes with Regis Philbin? But, since that's an obvious non-starter, we are left with the equally ludicrous Who Wants to Be a Millionaire -- hardly a question for most thinking Americans, unless they already happen to be billionaires.

The problem here is that your alternatives are not so great either. Is it your position that you'd rather be watching Diagnosis: Murder with Dick Van Dyke? This at least would be a viable substitute. If your preference would be watching re-broadcasts of Senate hearings on C-Span, I would suggest the gulf between you is too broad and you must divorce this man, post-haste.

Although the discovery that your husband is a closet moron is certainly a bitter pill to swallow, my best advice is to either try and wean the poor man off of the show or learn to love Regis. If you choose the latter, start slowly. Start watching Regis's daytime vehicle, Regis & Kathie Lee. This could give you a better appreciation of Regis since his co-host is so much worse than he is.

Other than that, I would suggest that you concentrate on why you initially loved this man. Everyone has their bizarre character quirks, and your husband's just happens to be one of those great mysteries of life that cannot truly be answered. Go into another room and take up macrame.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I am a 50-year-old man who, though never married, has had a succession of reasonably satisfying intimate relationships over the years. When I was in my 20s, I dreamed that I would be invited to be involved in a multiple-partner sexual experience, but, of course, this never happened. That is, until a couple of weeks ago.

A woman I have been seeing suggested we repair to the bedroom with two female friends of hers and fool around. This happened and I absolutely loved it! I don't suspect that this will ever occur again, but I must say that now I feel fulfilled and can die happy. The women involved all seemed to have had a good time, and it has had no negative effects on my primary relationship. Still, I can't help but think that possibly there is something wrong with what I have done. Is this just the traces of Protestant guilt or should I continue to look at the up-side of all this and feel good about this one-of-a-kind experience?

-- Mr. Happy

Dear Mr. Happy,

Romping about with three women at age 50 is certainly a great coup for you in your mature (although I use that term cautiously) years. Tell me, did you ingest a stimulating nitroglycerin-and-Viagra cocktail before embarking on this life-enhancing experience? No harm seems to have occurred since, judging from your letter, there was no cajoling or arm-twisting involved in your journey to ecstasy. Richard Gere could only dream of such antics. I suspect that you take great pride in this singular achievement, as well you should. You are an inspiration to us all. Please send me the names and phone numbers of your fellow participants, so that I may personally congratulate them on their open-minded and generous dispositions.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

My birthday is coming up soon, and I believe that many friends of mine have probably forgotten the date. Is there an appropriate way to remind them that my birthday is coming and that I'd love to receive congratulatory greetings or a nice present? I realize that this sounds a bit crass, but I do get so disappointed when friends forget my birthday. I try not to forget the birthdays of those who are close to me, and I'm sure that they feel the same way about me but may just forget the date. Is there a proper way to remind them?

-- Birthday Girl

Dear Birthday Girl,

You're right -- your question is a bit on the crass side. To sulk and worry about people forgetting your birthday is somewhat too self-absorbed for Dr. Lovemonkey's taste. But, if you think that you would be doing your friends a favor to remind them that your birthday is coming up, you can always give those folks a call and blurt out, "Gee, I feel so fabulous even though I'm turning (your age here) next week." I hope you have a wonderful birthday. But, really, if you're over the age of 14 ,focusing on such things is a little beneath you.

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