by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I work in a clothing store and I like my job very much. One of the added benefits of working here is that I get a discount on clothes. Because of this and the fact that we have some pretty good stuff, I tend to purchase a lot of my wardrobe here.

There has been a rumor going around the store for some time now that the dressing room has a two-way mirror. I have no real evidence of this, but since the other side of the dressing room is an office that is basically off-limits to employees, I have always wondered about the rumor. I once jokingly mentioned this to one of the owners and he just laughed, implying that the whole idea was absurd. What I was really hoping was that he'd invite me into the office, so that I could see for myself, but, of course, that didn't happen.

At this point, it would be rude to insist on going into the office or to push this whole two-way mirror thing since the boss has already indicated it does not exist. Is there any way for me to find out for sure? Would it be too crazy to sneak into the office to try and get a good peek myself? I don't want to lose my job or act like I think the boss is a liar and a pervert, but I'm really itching to know.

-- Itching To Know

Dear Itching,

Breaking into the office would be a bad idea indeed, especially since your suspicion is based only on rumor. Talking to some of my friends in law enforcement, however, Dr. Lovemonkey has heard of something called "the fingernail test." What you do is place the tip of your fingernail against the reflective surface of the mirror. If there is a gap between the fingernail and the image of the nail reflected in the glass, then it's a genuine one-way mirror. But if your fingernail directly touches the image of the nail, it's a two-way and the boss or one of his slimebag cronies could very well be in the next room with his slacks around his ankles.

You could also check with a certified expert on peeping Toms, someone like rock n' roll legend Chuck Berry. You may recall, a few years back, it was discovered that Mr. Ding-a-Ling had concealed surveillance equipment in the ladies rooms at his "family" theme park on the outskirts of St. Louis. Unfortunately, Chuck's history suggests that he'd probably hit you up for a rather hefty consultant's fee.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

Not too long ago, I wrote a letter to another relationship advice columnist. I told her that I really, really liked this girl at school (I'm 16, and I was 15 then) and was wanting to ask her out, but I was very nervous because I had never asked a girl out before and since I was afraid of rejection. Well, she told me it was understandable that I was nervous, because the first time you ask someone out is really a big thing and that I obviously cared about her or I wouldn't be so nervous.

Then she said that I should probably get to know the girl better before taking the next step. She thought if I learned more about her, I would have more of an idea of what she was like and if we were compatible, and that I might even build up some confidence.

Well, anyway, I got drunk one night and asked her out, and she said yes. I've been boning her for the past three months and everything's going great. I've been reading your column for a while now, and have come to the conclusion that both you and the other advice columnist are too conservative, and that your advice isn't always the thing that will work out best. I think that I'm living proof of that.

-- Successful Despite Advice

Dear Mr. Successful,

Is there a question here? If not, what was the point of your letter? I suspect it was to let me know that, after careful consideration (not to mention getting drunk), you have decided that we folks who propose to give advice aren't always right. You wouldn't be wrong there. However, the advice the other columnist gave to you still sounds better to Dr. Lovemonkey than your (admittedly) successful strategy of getting soused and blurting out your feelings.

Congratulations on your "boning" bonanza. While I would agree that I am probably pretty conservative in the personal relationships department, I would like to strike a note of caution. Although you have been happily banging away for the past few months, you might not, at age 16, know everything there is to know about the dynamics of intimate relationships. As you mature, you will find that the spiritual elements of life, the issue of shared values and shared responsibilities loom larger and larger, and exercising your one-eyed trouser snake will become inextricably entwined with these more abstract parts of life. It would be wonderfully simple if life were one big bonefest, but, alas, there are many challenges that can not be solved with a quick erection.

---

Email Dr. Lovemonkey

---

Dr. Lovemonkey's archive

---