Fire Down Below

In Steven Seagal's Fire Down Below, the new-agey, enviromentally conscious action hero comes across as less of an idiot than usual -- but only because in this film everyone else is even more of a moron. The evil, nameless, gun-toting goons who keep coming back for further punishment obviously have to be thick in the head. Just as dumb are the innocent, small-town Appalachian folk who sit helplessly by as a corrupt rich businessman (Kris Kristofferson) dumps toxic waste into their water supply. Stupidest of all, though, would have to be those of us in the audience -- this movie sets new records for overexplaining. Instead of talking in disjointed sentences, like real people, the characters speak in plot summaries. So, um duh, Seagal is the, um, good guy who kicks da bad guy's butt.

Actually, our charismatic hero is such a peaceful Zen dude that instead of giving us lots of good violence, the film mostly shows Seagal doing carpentry and examining (wincing poignantly at) water in test tubes. When he does get serious, it's like a bad cartoon: one kick and all 10 zillion flunkies immediately fall. At the Cheri, the Fresh Pond, and the Circle and in the suburbs.

-- Mark Bazer