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The defender
Rob Becker speaks for the caveman
BY LIZA WEISSTUCH

Long ago, when the Ice Age was dawning, Neanderthal beings roamed the planet and lived in societies where men tended to the hunting duties and women minded the gathering. Fast-forward several millennia and you will see, if you are Rob Becker, that not much has changed. Becker will explain everything you ever wanted to know about the evolution of the sexes but were afraid to ask about in his one-man comedy Defending the Caveman, which arrives at the Wilbur Theatre this Wednesday.

Becker is grizzly-bear-like in stature, teddy-bear-like in demeanor; he bears an uncanny resemblance to that classic cave dweller, Fred Flintstone. And he’s convinced that the communication snags that can shred a relationship are the result of male/female differences that have been wired into our behavior since before our BC-era ancestors discovered how to make fire. " Men don’t really take in our environment, we don’t remember it, " he observes. " We have this instinct to narrow our focus. We’re constantly blocking things out. Women are constantly widening their focus and taking things in and remembering them. It goes back to hunting and gathering. If you’re a hunter, you need to concentrate on what’s moving. You can’t do two or three things at a time. Women, being gatherers, had to take in the landscape and be able to tell fine details from each other, to spot the fruit and tell what’s ripe. "

Becker has hunted down scores of examples to illustrate how that applies to contemporary living. When, for instance, a guy is zoned in on the television and his snookums finds kindling conversation more strenuous than the football game he’s watching, it’s not because he’s ignoring her. He’s only succumbing to what has been biologically functional for millions of years.

Caveman is not an offshoot of a graduate thesis, though Becker did consult anthropological tomes and research psychology journals to bolster his theories. He opened the show while working the stand-up-comedy circuit in San Francisco in 1991 and later moved it to New York, where it became the longest-running solo play in Broadway history. And to think that he developed it largely to sort through the strife he and his wife were experiencing. " Growing up in Northern California in the 1970s, we bought into the idea that there were no differences between men and women, that it was all constructed by society. For us it felt like this is the info that’s been hidden from us — all these differences. Research proves them. If you really believe you can transcend gender difference if you’re hip enough, cool enough, then in your marriage you find yourself constantly failing. It’s kind of defeating. "

But what began as a casual effort to use comedy to help himself and maybe others navigate the gender gap spawned an ad hoc school of relationship rehab, one that certified marriage counselors subscribe to and recommend to patients. Becker cemented his professional following when he performed at an American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy convention in 1996. Perhaps the shrinks are drawn to the caveman-like simplicity of his approach. " If you spend time in your relationship trying to understand your partner and understand how you’re different, you’ll see your fights are silly because there really is no right or wrong, no good or bad, there’s just differences. If you see how silly your fights are, it will bring a sense of humor to the relationship. He’s watching TV and can’t hear her and she thinks he’s ignoring her? It’s funny. " And isn’t laughter the best remedy?

Defending the Caveman is at the Wilbur Theatre, 246 Tremont Street in the Theater District, April 30 through May 18. Tickets are $25 to $54.50; call Ticketmaster at (617) 931-2787.

 

Issue Date: April 25 - May 1, 2003

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