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Yo-ho-no!
Sid Meier’s Pirates! offers blasé buccaneering
BY AARRR!-ON SOLOMON

Maybe I’m an old cynical salty dog. Or maybe for me the Golden Age of Pirates ended when One Eyed Willy’s ship sailed out of that Oregon cave. Or maybe, just maybe, Sid Meier’s Pirates! is as waterlogged a tale as The Curse of the Black Pearl, Davy Jones’s Locker, and The Legend of Curly’s Gold all wrapped into one. (I know, Curly’s Gold isn’t a pirate legend, but cut me some slack, I’m a bit bleary-eyed from this one.)

As the game begins, an affluent family are awaiting their shipment of gold. The shipment is lost, and the evil Marquis de la Montalban kidnaps everyone save for one scared little boy who — surprise, surprise — grows up to be you. Seeking revenge, you have as your first orders of business to choose a pirate handle, an era in which to maraud, a specialized skill, and one of four nations to align yourself with. That done, you can raise the Jolly Roger and become a pirate of the Caribbean. The new-to-Xbox " Montalban Quest, " despite sounding like a bonus feature from The Wrath of Khan, provides a linear path to follow as you complete a series of quests that lead to the Marquis’s lair " hidden deep in the forest. " But as you sail from port to port, your missions may change — suddenly, rather than marry the governor’s daughter, you’re supposed to find Captain Cook’s treasure. This can get annoying, as you never know when and where you’ll get to do some plundering, and during long sailing spells your crew’s morale will dwindle, with the attendant potential for mutiny.

Despite the numerous time periods, not much changes. Sure, you may find it easiest to align yourself with the English during the 1660s, when friendly ports are as abundant as a case of scurvy and enemies (particularly the Spanish) loom as large as the bosoms of the local governors’ daughters. But it takes more than a pillage to stay interesting, and Sid Meier’s Pirates! doesn’t have much else. The Xbox version (as opposed to the popular PC version released last year) does feature a new multi-player option — think Mario Kart’s battles on the high seas. Although it’s not on-line-enabled (appalling!), you can access new sails and flags as well as upload your scores via Xbox Live to see how you stack up against other pirates.

A few new mini-games add some spice to this Caribbean rum, though they too become tedious. " Even the Odds " allows outnumbered swashbucklers to whittle down attacking crews by matching a series of on-screen commands. " Town Sneak " doesn’t give you many options other than bashing the " A " button to dispose of guards. But should one of those ample-breasted governor’s daughters ask you to the ball, you’ll be introduced to yet another prompting mini-game, and if you don’t embarrass yourself with your lead feet (or thumbs, as the case may be), she might offer up a gift or a juicy bit of gossip.

Many players will love Sid Meier’s Pirates! for the very reasons I didn’t. They’ll think the mini-games are fun, and they won’t get bored with wooing their umpteenth governor’s daughter. But to paraphrase the Dread Pirate Roberts, the rest of us will most likely want to return it in the morning.

Score: 5.0 (out of 10)


Issue Date: August 5 - 10, 2005
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