The 12 pains of Christmas

How to deal with holiday wackos, from the seasonal cheerleaders to the cynics

by Dan Tobin

Illustrations by Tony Millionaire

Nobody freaks out about the actual holidays; they freak out about people's reactions to the holidays. Buying gifts, planning parties, distributing holiday cheese logs -- these stresses have less to do with Mary, Joseph, Judah Maccabee, or Rudolph than with the guy across the street who lights up his house like a Vegas casino. Yes, the true annoyances of the season are the different holiday personalities you have to deal with around the office, at home, and in every retail store full of panicky shoppers.

But you don't have to go postal. If you can recognize the different types of people, you may even be able to cope. Just use this simple guide to dealing with the 12 Pains of Christmas:

1. LITTLE MISS CHRISTMAS

Motivation: Wants to celebrate the Yuletide spirit and turn your frown upside down!

Identifying characteristics: Wears lots of red and green, distributes candy canes, informs you how many hours remain until the big day, uses exclamation points inordinately!

Overheard saying: "Ooooh, don't you just looooove the holidays? Hee-hee!"

Why she's annoying: Unless you inherit royalties from Three Dog Night, joy to the world is seriously overrated.

How to cope: Hum "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" whenever she's around.

2. SCROOGE MCDORK

Motivation: Owns stock in the word humbug.

Identifying characteristics: Refuses to acknowledge holiday season, kicks over Christmas trees, makes Mickey Mouse work on December 24, collects royalties from humbugging.

Overheard saying: "Jolly, happy soul? Right. Try stupid, communist shithead."

Why he's annoying: Wastes venom that could be used more productively against the 'N Sync Christmas album.

How to cope: Send three ghosts to his house, preferably not of the Casper variety.

3. HARRY KRISHNA

Motivation: Feels the oppressive capitalist retail industry has corrupted and crushed the idealistic holiday spirit.

Identifying characteristics: Refuses presents, refuses holiday cookies, lectures on the economics of Power Rangers versus the Pine Street Inn, refuses to smile.

Overheard saying: "Pontius Pilate may have killed Jesus, but he was probably coerced into it by Wal-Mart executives."

Why he's annoying: Doesn't buy presents, refuses to shower.

How to cope: Spout socialist rhetoric to the tune of "The Little Drummer Boy."

4. FORCE-FED SHOVEL-HEAD

Motivation: Winter means snow, snow means shoveling, shoveling means a sore back, and a sore back means pain relief via rectal suppositories. Lots of 'em.

Identifying characteristics: Blisters on hands, sore back, very sore ass.

Overheard saying: "Next year I'm moving to Florida, and I'm bringing my Preparation H."

Why he's annoying: Too cheap to invest in a snowblower.

How to cope: Taunt him by buying him a snow globe.

5. CAROL O'CONNOR

Motivation: Likes to sing, sing a song, sing it strong, all night long.

Identifying characteristics: Knows all the words to every carol, no matter how obscure -- including the complete German to "O Tannenbaum" and the outlawed sixth verse to "Jingle Bells."

Overheard saying: "Ah-one, ah-two, ah-one-two-three-four -- everybody! -- DASHING THROUGH THE SNOW!"

Why she's annoying: The songs get stuck in your head until sometime around St. Patrick's Day.

How to cope: Play Run-DMC's "Christmas in Hollis."

6. DA POPE

Motivation: Revels in the somber religious aspects of the season.

Identifying characteristics: Tells the whole nativity story to anyone who'll listen, refers to biblical characters as if they're drinking buddies, drives in glass-encased Popemobile.

Overheard saying: "Don't say 'pigfucker' in front of Jesus."

Why he's annoying: Often speaks Latin.

How to cope: Say five Hail Marys.

7. GEORGY PORGY

Motivation: Uses mistletoe as an excuse to get some.

Identifying characteristics: Crazed look in his eye, mistletoe hat, candy cane-flavored lip balm, libido so fiery he melts snowmen with a simple leer.

Overheard saying: "Hey, baby, is that mistletoe over your head or am I just sexually harassing you?"

Why he's annoying: Thinks everyone's a ho ho ho.

How to cope: Who wants new garlic-flavored Trident? You do, you do.

8. FREDDY THE FRUITCAKE

Motivation: Mistakenly thinks fruitcake jokes are funny.

Identifying characteristics: Constantly yuks it up about the longevity, lack of taste, and sheer quantity of . . . fruitcakes.

Overheard saying: "Jeez, my Aunt Martha's pretty old, but not as old as a fruitcake! I mean, what's up with that? Hello? Is this thing on?"

Why he's annoying: About as creative as Leno making more Lewinsky jokes.

How to cope: Buy him 1001 Light Bulb Jokes.

9. THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST

Motivation: Bores everybody with stories of the best Christmases ever.

Identifying characteristics: Makes people guess endings they don't care about, watches the Lawrence Welk Christmas special, talks and talks and talks.

Overheard saying: "And do you know who was in that Santa suit? That's right: Vice President Chester Arthur."

Why he's annoying: Lives in the past, and a woefully dull past at that.

How to cope: "No hablo inglés, señor."

10. JACK FROST-DANIEL'S

Motivation: Chugs vast quantities of eggnog "for the taste."

Identifying characteristics: Bobs, weaves, slurs speech, photocopies buttocks at office holiday party.

Overheard saying: "Dah, silver bells -- hic -- jingle bells -- hic -- dah, bell-bottom bells . . . I'm gonna be sick."

Why he's annoying: You always have to designatedly drive him home from tree lightings.

How to cope: Eggbeaters-nog.

11. AGENT KRINGLE

Motivation: Believes there's a top-secret Christmas conspiracy perpetuated by the government.

Identifying characteristics: Never changes facial expressions, speaks only in self-consciously cool sentences, roughs up elves for information.

Overheard saying: "I want to believe in Santa Claus."

Why she's annoying: Postulates the existence of a 10th reindeer.

How to cope: Send the CIA in to hide evidence of toy workshops in the North Pole.

12. CYNICAL SAM

Motivation: Complains about various holiday personalities.

Identifying characteristics: Writes long lists full of smarmy jokes at the expense of those with true holiday spirit.

Overheard saying: "Just use this simple guide to dealing with the 12 Pains of Christmas."

Why he's annoying: Mercilessly rips on semi-obvious stereotypes, thinks he's funnier than he really is.

How to cope: Read the Improper, baby.

Dan Tobin has never gotten any courtesy of mistletoe and can be reached at dantobin@juno.com.