Holiday specials

Seasonal films you won't see on the networks

by Camille Dodero

As Advent calendars count down to December 25, Christmas specials and films become a method of conjuring up the holiday spirit. And every season, we exhume the season's spirit from the same pivotal moments: Santa choosing Rudolph as his beacon of light; Frosty melting into an amorphous puddle on the greenhouse floor; and all the Whos in Whoville, clasped together in a circle, singing serenely on Christmas morning.

But somewhere out there, possibly wedged between the cushions of a network couch, there are holiday films and television specials besides Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, Frosty the Snowman, and How the Grinch Stole Christmas. And a few of them are worth digging out of the crumb-littered archives, even if it's only to retrieve a forgotten spectacle. We've hand-picked six neglected holiday features worth watching this season. None of these specials will contend for Movie of the Week this December, but if you can find them at the video store or in syndication, they'll grant you relief from the monthlong Rudolph-Frosty-Grinch slide show.

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Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964). There's a problem on Mars: something is wrong with the children. They're lethargic, withdrawn, and listless. They spend all day in front of the "video," entranced by earth programs. They won't sleep at night or eat their dinner pills.

The children's sluggish behavior befuddles Mars's leader, and he calls upon the wisdom of a Martian oracle for guidance. This ancient soothsayer prescribes a dose of Santa Claus to heal the kids' melancholy. Since there's no red-suited man on the Red Planet, Mars's leaders must fly to earth and ensnare Santa Claus from his North Pole headquarters. The film's finale pits a miscreant Martian against Santa and his tiny troupe of children. For once, the one with the most toys does win.

Yes, this low-budget film redefines the word hokey. Yes, the Martians' emerald garb consists simply of green long-sleeved turtlenecks, green face paint, and sparkling green lacquered helmets. And, yes, everything else in the film (the set, the acting, the plot) follows this shoddy lead. But Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is so low-budget . . . you'll just have to see it for yourself.

Emmet Otter's Jug-Band Christmas (1977). Emmet and his mother are musically inclined rural animals, bereft and penniless after the death of Emmet's father, Mr. Otter. Three days before Christmas, Emmet gets a yen for a used acoustic guitar he spots in a store window; that same day, Mrs. Otter starts musing on the grand old days when she still had her piano and her husband. (After Mr. Otter died, she had to pawn her piano for money.)

The next day, there's whispering around town about a talent show on Christmas Eve, in which the best performer wins $50. Unbeknownst to his mother, Emmet joins a jug band and enlists in the contest, hoping to use the prize as a down payment on a piano for her; unbeknownst to her son, Mrs. Otter enters as a singer, hoping to snatch the money and buy Emmet the guitar.

But wait, there's more! Here are some additional titles worth checking out that may be more popular then the aforementioned in the realm of syndication and video stores. The Gathering (1977). A story about illness, reunion, and family, starring Ed Asner. The Junky's Christmas (1993). First aired Christmas Eve 1993 on VH-1, this is a Claymation adaptation of the William Burroughs story by the same name. The Man in the Santa Claus Suit (1979). Fred Astaire is omnipresent in this film, playing the spirit of Christmas in a variety of roles. The Night They Saved Christmas (1984). An oil company threatens to destroy Santa and North Pole City. Santa Claus: The Movie (1985). Dudley Moore and John Lithgow give their spin on the Santa legend. It Came Upon the Midnight Clear (1984). Mickey Rooney suffers a fatal heart attack before Christmas. After finagling a deal with the archangel, he returns to earth to fulfill a promise to his young grandson

Emmet's jug band and his mother are the two clear standouts in the talent show -- until, of course, a late entry of rock-and-roll ruffians materializes, pummeling the crowd with their stage lights, Pink Floyd-ish (circa The Wall) keyboards, and angry lyrics ("We don't brush our teeth 'cause our toothache helps us stay mean"). You'll have to watch to find out which Muppet the panel of judges anoints as the Christmas Eve champion, but some character in this Jim Henson special does score a regular gig at a riverbed nightspot.

The Christmas Toy (1990). Shhh . . . don't tell. Jamie Jones's toys come alive when she leaves them alone in her playroom. Her favorite plaything, a dauntless tiger named Rugby, becomes extremely jealous when a space-age newcomer, Meteora (who doesn't grasp that she's merely a conveyor-belt concoction), threatens his "favorite toy" status. After a bit of toy turmoil, everyone's happy.

Does the basic premise sound vaguely familiar? Although this puppeted Christmas special was released on television five years before Toy Story hit the theaters, it's likely now to seem like an unabashed imitator of the computer-animated opus. True, The Christmas Toy lacks Toy Story's exorbitant commercial sponsorship, its sleek computer animation, and the rights to use Mr. Potato Head. But it does have Jim Henson's inspiration, a brief appearance by Kermit the Frog, and a few years on Toy Story -- three points that make The Christmas Toy worth seeing.

A Wish for Wings That Work (1991). It's penned by Berkeley Breathed, it's an Outland spinoff, and it stars both Opus (the "aerodynamically impaired" penguin) and Bill (the cat "with Tater Tots for brains").

But it doesn't matter if you're not a fan of Outland or Bloom County, or even if you're not quite sure who Opus and Bill are; this animated episode stands on its own. Peppered with satirical references, subtle quips, and ironic nuances, A Wish for Wings That Work has a flavor reminiscent of The Simpsons: it's best appreciated by adults, but it's not too strong for children. If your interest still isn't piqued, Dustin Hoffman has a cameo as the voice of a cross-dressing cockroach, and Robin Williams is the voice of a forlorn kiwi.

Pee-wee's Playhouse Christmas Special (1988). Even though the Fox Family Channel has picked up Pee-wee's Playhouse in syndication, people are still wary of Pee-wee Herman. Soccer moms are gleeful that their cleated kids are too young to really remember him. Anyone who is old enough to remember when his show first aired also remembers the reason why he's best forgotten. Pee-wee Herman is Saturday-morning television's dirty little secret.

But back in the late '80s, Pee-wee could do no wrong. Just ask Oprah. Or Whoopi. Or Frankie and Annette. Yep, Pee-wee's a dirty little secret for them, too. They, along with k.d. lang, Dinah Shore, Magic Johnson, Grace Jones, Little Richard, Charo, Cher, Joan Rivers, Zsa Zsa Gabor, and the Del Rubio triplets were all guests on Herman's 1988 Yuletide special.

Like any other episode of Pee-wee's Playhouse, this one's chock-full of nerve-grating laughter, talking furniture, and "Word of the Day" screams. If that's doesn't get you to perk your ears, Dinah Shore singing the "12 Days (or So) of Christmas" should do it. (One guest noticeably absent from the credits: George Michael.)

The First Christmas (1975). Despite what the title implies, The First Christmas isn't an homage to Baby Jesus. Instead, it's about a nun (voiced by Angela Lansbury) who recovers an orphaned shepherd after a fierce winter storm has ravaged the boy's health and left him blind. While the orphan regains his strength, he and his flock of sheep stay at the nun's abbey; the boy's health is soon restored, but his sight is not. An imperious priest (clearly not yet imbued with the Christmas spirit) suggests that the child be carted off to an orphanage: "Little boys without parents belong in an orphanage and not in a church abbey."

It's a fairly dire scenario for a 23-minute animated special, but somehow the orphan manages to confront blindness, abandonment, mean-spirited tomfoolery, subtle animosity, and a couple of tongue-wagging wolves without ever leaving the abbey's land. Toward the show's mawkish climax, the Christmas motif nuzzles in when the boy literally and figuratively sees the light.

Camille Dodero once tried to steal Christmas, but was immediately apprehended and fined.