But wait, there’s more
As I write this very word, a woman has told police she was raped at the home of former Atlanta Falcon and new Denver Bronco defensive lineman Patrick Kerney. The unnamed woman said she accepted a ride from a bar to Kerney’s house, where a number of current and former Atlanta Falcons were partying. She reported feeling sleepy and then awoke to discover she was being raped. No player has yet been named in this story, but it sounds like someone pulled a 4-x-4 Janikowski relay job on this woman. We’ll let you know when we hear more details.
In any event, this is shaping up to be a horrifying off-season for the NFL. Forget about PacMan Jones; making headlines this week alone were Joey Porter and Levi Jones (who fought at a casino, with Porter racking up an assault charge; Jones, incidentally, was robbed in that incident), as well as Tank Johnson, who was sentenced to four months in prison for parole violations and went inside this week. Cardinals assistant Richie Anderson was also arrested on solicitation charges; Steelers DB Deshea Townsend was busted for simple assault; Rams tight end Dominique Byrd was nabbed for a DUI; and a half dozen others from various teams were handed mostly drug- or alcohol-related charges. Expect things to cool off for a while, as players report to off-season workouts this week.
When he’s not googling “used condoms” and “catchable bunnies,” Matt Taibbi writes for Rolling Stone. He can be reached atM_Taibbi@yahoo.com.
YEARLY LEADER BOARD
LAVON CHISLEY (PENN STATE) | murder | 99
STEVE SWINDAL (YANKEES) | DUI | 98
RON ARTEST (KINGS) | starving Socks, domestic violence, intimidation | 95
PACMAN JONES (TITANS) | TBA | 90
MURIETTA JOCKS (MURIETTA) | fight club various | 75
TONE TAUPALE (U OF IDAHO) | pistol-whipping, armed robbery | 62
SIX FOOTBALL PLAYERS (GUILFORD) | assault | 50 (DOWNGRADED)
KAT. MAEKAWA (ORIX BUFFALOES) | DUI, hit/run | 47
RONNIE FIELDS (MINOT SKYROCKETS) | sex assault | 40
JERRAMY STEVENS (SEAHAWKS) | DUI, weed, throwing used condoms | 32
LIONEL SULLIVAN (BGSU) | stealing video games, being a dumbass | 31
MIKE TYSON (N/A) | coke, DUI |28
RASHAUN BROADUS (BYU HOOPS) | DUI, having Snoop Dogg’s last name | 26
RYAN KRAUSE (CHARGERS) | DUI | 25
DONTRELLE WILLIS (MARLINS) | DUI, peeing | 23
CHARLES OSBORN (JAGUARS) | weed, gun | 22
RANDY FOYE (T-WOLVES) | fighting | 20
MINNY P.D. (N/A) | Tasering | 20
KARL LUCHSINGER (OSU) | bar fighting | 18
GERALD SENSABAUGH (JAGUARS) | gun, speeding | 17
TINSLEY/DANIELS/MCLEOD (PACERS) | fighting | 15
STEVE GARCIA (SOUTH CAROLINA) | keying a professor's car, not getting away with it | 9
MOBILE P.D. (N/A) | being dicks | 5
HOWARD STIRGUS (DENTON) | bomb threats | 3
KYLE MCLARNEY (NOTRE DAME) | weed possession | 1
ELIJAH DUKES (DEVIL RAYS) | weed, being black and not giving a fuck | 0.5
