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Dance, Monkey: Steve Macone

What tiny outfit will you dress your dog in for the summer?
Just the usual one. It’s a bun costume. He’s a long, slender dog, so people walking by go, “Oh I get it!” And I say, “No, you really don’t.” And walk away. And they never find out that, yes, they did get it. They got it right off the bat.

Who would make the ultimate running mate for Barack Obama, and why?
Eeyore driving a time machine. Because you need a balanced ticket, and that would offset his whole “enthusiastic hope for the future” flaw with moping and living in the past. Plus, people will relate. Eeyore talks like the kind of guy who’s already had a lot of beers with people.

Hulk Hogan’s wife is apparently dating some teenage dude. If you were that kid, how would you prepare yourself for the inevitable “royal rumble” ass kicking that’s coming your way?
I think the real “royal rumble” is going to be the struggle that young man has with himself, people criticizing his motives while he sorts out his own feelings, deciding if love is worth the swarming paparazzi. And plus, while he thinks about all this, Hulk Hogan is punching him.

It’s another tomato crisis! Fast-food restaurants and grocery stores across the nation have pulled tomatoes from their menus and produce aisles after a nation-wide salmonella outbreak has been attributed to an unknown source of tomatoes. What’s the lesson to be learned here?
It’s good they’re taking action. You wouldn’t want fast-food restaurants serving food that would be harmful to anyone. Also, this lack of tomatoes is an opportunity to tell bad jokes without repercussions. Except that the tomatoes that are out there are coated in potentially deadly bacteria. So the elderly and infants should refrain from stand-up for a while.

STEVE MACONE | Comedy Studio, Cambridge | June 22 | 617.661.6507

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