Dumb sports bets

Let's make it interesting  
By PHOENIX STAFF  |  June 13, 2012

NOTHING LIKE A DAME Can the Massacre save us from summer sports ennui? 

The Bruins have been on vacation for a month, the NBA Finals have started without us, the Sox are playing .500 ball, and the Patriots aren't even in pads yet. It's enough to drive a man to something drastic: like watching European soccer. Or else finding some more deserving enterprise on which to place a dumb sports bet.

Luckily, we've got a world-class athletic confrontation coming up this week: Massachusetts's only sanctioned flat-track squad, the Boston Derby Dames, will be rolling out their A-team, the Boston Massacre, to challenge the Maine Port Authorities on Saturday.

So here's our bet: if the hometown team is victorious, Phoenix editor-in-chief Carly Carioli will force Portland Phoenix editor Jeff Inglis to consume a Boylston Street favorite, the Poe Burger: lobster, foie gras, and black truffle stuffed into a beef patty topped with whiskey bacon, avocado, and Irish whiskey cheese. "Jeff, the bad news is that you will probably keel over of a heart attack after you eat this," Carioli said. "But you'll go out with a smile on your face. Just like the Maine team after being run over by our girl Ivanna Shankabitch."

"Our crushers do their conditioning workouts training amid the snowdrifts of Maine winters, and, if my sources are correct, lubricate their skates with moose grease," said Inglis. "Boston doesn't stand a chance."

If Maine wins, Carioli will eat a wasabi lobster roll from Bite Into Maine, the food cart at Maine's iconic Portland Head Light.

Boston Derby Dames | Saturday, June 16 at Shriners Auditorium, 99 Fordham Rd, Wilmington | tix $16, $12 for kids | doors at 4 pm, first match at 5 pm | bostonderbydames.com

Related: NBA shoot-around, Slam Dunk Season, Finality, More more >
  Topics: This Just In , Sports, Basketball, NBA,  More more >
| More

Most Popular
Share this entry with Delicious
  •   MICHAUD FOR GOVERNOR  |  November 03, 2014
    However you’ve been following the race for Governor this election season, you’ve been hearing it from all sides, so we’ll make this one brief. We urge you to vote for Michael Michaud.
  •   ADVANCED BEAUTY LESSONS  |  November 03, 2014
    Described as a “body-positive visibility project,” Portland’s Jack Tar 207 is all about representation. Models are encouraged to bring their own clothing and personal belongings to the shoot, which owner-designer LK Weiss says brings out “a level of confidence that many people don’t feel in front of a camera.”
  •   LITERALLY LGBT  |  October 31, 2014
    A community-compiled list of important GBLTQ works through the years.  
  •   DEAR PROVIDENCE PHOENIX...  |  October 15, 2014
    Some made us chuckle, others made us choke up.
  •   BACK TO REALITY  |  September 18, 2014
    If you’re a student in southern Maine and are at all interested in arts and humanities, and have a budget of exactly $10 to spend on any one event, there’s a lot in your favor.

 See all articles by: PHOENIX STAFF