Governments need stuff to regulate. Otherwise, we wouldn’t need governments.
Fortunately for our government, Maine has all sorts of substances and activities that, left unregulated, would threaten the very stability of society.
Like, for instance, milk.
In this state, government sets the minimum price at which moo juice can be sold in order to safeguard us from the looming threat of cheap milk.
Maine also has an entire department dedicated to protecting consumers from the dangers posed by unlicensed landscape architects, rogue cosmetologists, outlaw athletic trainers, and ersatz interior decorators. Which is why terrorists will never undermine America using ugly shrubs, bad haircuts, flabby abs, or hideous lampshades.
And, as I’ve noted many times before, Maine does a first-rate job of making sure locally sold liquor is always offered at artificially inflated prices, thereby shielding us from the hazards posed by inexpensive cocktails. Also, it boosts New Hampshire’s booze profits.
I’m proud to pay taxes to support these vital regulatory efforts. Although, to be strictly accurate, I’m lying about that.
These government-imposed restrictions hardly comprise a complete inventory of the areas in which the publicly funded bureaucracy protects us with its meddling. Compiling such a list would require far more space than my meager weekly allotment—even if I deleted all the smart-ass comments. But I must mention one subject of government regulation that’s even more irrational than those above:
Gambling.
Betting on things is perfectly legal so long as it’s done through the state-run lottery, by investing in the stock market, or by buying a raffle ticket to benefit the church building fund. It’s also OK to wager at state-sanctioned horse racing tracks, off-track betting parlors, Indian-run high-stakes bingo games, aboard the ferry from Portland to Nova Scotia, or in either of Maine’s two voter-approved casinos.
But that’s it.
Well, except for online gambling sites, football pools, and under-the-table payoffs for all manner of gaming at fraternal and veterans clubs. None of which is legal. But, hey, you can’t effectively regulate everything, and sometimes you have to cut otherwise-law-abiding citizens some slack in order to prioritize resources to make sure those landscape architects aren’t running amuck.
In spite of the fact that gambling is a societal norm, the Maine Legislature remains convinced that it falls into the category of insufficiently regulated fun. So it recently spent $150,000 to hire a consultant to figure out how the state can to do a better job of making it more complicated for its citizens to engage in games of chance.
Unlike another recent consultant’s report paid for with taxpayer dollars, this one doesn’t appear to be plagiarized. Its recommendation that Maine should license two more casinos—a big one run by corporate interests in the south to suck in tourists, and a small one run by Native Americans in the north to suck in Native Americans—isn’t exactly original, but you can’t criticize somebody for stating the obvious.
Well, actually you can if you’re paying them 150 grand.
Among the report’s other suggestions are that Maine take bids for new casinos, with the license fee starting at $1 million a year for the first five years. Plus a $300,000 application fee. Don’t forget the annual $100 payment for each slot machine. The required $250 million initial investment in the facility. And the 3 to 4 percent of profits each year that must be plowed back into capital improvements.
