Fast forward

1997 in preview

by Stephen Heuser and Chris Wright

Nineteen ninety-six simply oozed decorum. The summer political conventions glided by, and the few people who turned out for the November elections -- both the presidential race and our gentlemanly local Senate contest -- thoughtfully confirmed the poll numbers we'd been seeing for months. A small-time attempt to disrupt the Olympics in Atlanta couldn't shake NBC's implacable coverage of America's inspiring bronze and silver medalists. Even Madonna reinvented herself as a tasteful and responsible new parent (or maybe that was just a publicity stunt for her new movie).

In any event, whether from fear of lawsuits or just encroaching boomer respectability, our country has been awfully well-behaved as it goes slowly to the dogs. Fortunately, optimists among our Futurist Focus Group say they can already detect some signs that 1997 will be a bit more interesting. A chronology:

January 2

Leftist MIT guru Noam Chomsky is relieved of his duties at the Cambridge university when, after a friendly kiss at a New Year's party goes too far, the bespectacled linguistics prof admits he offered to show celebrity offspring Liv Tyler his "generative apparatus."

January 11

In Dayton, Ohio, a family of four is found dead in the kitchen after consuming a deadly cocktail of Olestra and Nutrasweet. The Dow Jones drops 426 points in two days.

January 20

President Clinton gives a seven-and-a-half-hour inaugural address in which he announces, among other things, an $8 trillion tax cut, a $350 billion increase in defense spending, a $400 billion reduction in defense spending, and free (or at least heavily subsidized) love. In an encore, he vows to make the trains run on time.

January 24

Having failed to sign 34-year-old fastballer Roger Clemens to pitch alongside the recently acquired 32-year-old Brett Saberhagen, the Red Sox tender an offer to 45-year-old Goose Gossage.

February 3

Launching himself back into the media spotlight, Governor William Weld demonstrates the cleanliness of the state's watershed by jumping off the Tobin Bridge into the icy Mystic River. The governor suffers two fractured vertebra and a dislocated pelvis. Attorney General Scott Harshbarger convenes State House reporters to declare, "I'm in charge here," but is hastily wrestled down by Lieutenant Governor Paul Cellucci.

February 5

Russian president Boris Yeltsin is released from a Crimean rest camp and pronounced by doctors fully recovered after his bypass surgery. He declares himself "fit as a fiddle," though Russia-watchers note that his mouth moves only when his doctor pushes a button in his back.

February 6

New UMass president Billy Bulger announces plans for immediate conversion of UMass/Boston into the world's largest casino. "Well, my mandate was to balance the books," says the diminutive former Senate president.

February 7

At the dedication ceremony for the UMass/Boston Casino, Whitey Bulger wins $68,000 on the inaugural spin of the roulette wheel.

February 10

A surprise Nor'easter dumps 14 inches of snow on Boston over one weekend. Mayor Tom Menino calls a press conference to say he's "wicked furious" he wasn't consulted first.

February 14

Romance is declared officially dead when the parents of seven-year-old Hattie Schmaltz sue a male second-grade classmate for harassment after she receives candy Valentine's Day hearts bearing what the suit calls "inappropriate sentiments."

February 17

Rebuffed by the 45-year-old pitcher Goose Gossage, who signs with the Detroit Tigers, the Red Sox make a bid for 57-year-old knuckleballer Phil Niekro.

February 21

Kendall Square Cinema dedicates three screens to the opening of the newest Merchant-Ivory costume drama, a three-hour adaptation of Destiny's Crumpet, by early-Victorian novelist Edward Bulwer-Lytton. The cast features Daniel Day-Lewis as Reverend Eccles, Winona Ryder as Lucretia Eldridge, and Helena Bonham-Carter as the crumpet.

March 4

With a revised estimate showing the annual cost of the Big Dig would exceed the gross national product within five years, local officials propose to help fund the project by auctioning off the city of Chelsea. The town eventually sells to an anonymous bidder for $74.95.

March 11

Boris Yeltsin's health is in the news again when the rubicund autocrat wins a limbo contest at a winter festival in St. Petersburg. Russia watchers are skeptical; one reports that Yeltsin "looked like he was just lying there."

March 16

South Boston erupts when Dennis Rodman and RuPaul interpose themselves at the head of the St. Patrick's Day parade wearing matching green miniskirts and feather boas.

March 24

Boston University and the Disney corporation announce a merger of the two multibillion-dollar industries. Class attendance for Introduction to Macroeconomics, a cartoon course narrated by Robin Williams, soars. The attached theme park proves a disappointment when female patrons refuse to climb aboard Derek Walcott's Log Ride.

March 28

Unable to sign 57-year-old pitcher Phil Niekro, the Red Sox close a two-year, $6.2 million deal with the skeletal remains of Hall of Famer Leroy "Satchel" Paige.

April 1

Madonna vows celibacy. (April Fools'.)

April 3

A flotilla of UFO pilots from the Alpha Centauri system contact Boston City Hall, but the call is inadvertently routed to an answering machine in the Parking Department. The city's sole remaining human receptionist is fired when she tries to blame the snafu on the fact that the aliens "probably called from a rotary phone."

April 10

Junkie chic reaches its zenith when a pale, dark-eyed Mary Lou Retton rolls up her sleeve on ABC's 20/20 to reveal a double row of track marks. Barbara Walters is subsequently attacked by conservatives for calling the marks "intewesting."

April 17

McDonald's announces the opening of its first North Korean franchise in suburban Pyongyang, featuring the Quarter Ouncer, the New Arf Deluxe, and mandatory Happy Meals. Kim Chung Park, a threshing engineer at the local grain collective, is arrested after asking a server to "supersize it!"

April 21

Boris Yeltsin enters the 1997 Boston Marathon. Spectators describe his start as "sluggish."

April 23

Boris Yeltsin is sighted in Natick.

May 3

French farmers emigrate en masse to Belgium to protest what they call the "unfair deflation of the price of legumes."

May 4

Boris Yeltsin is disqualified from the Boston Marathon when a race judge notices the Russian president being dragged up Heartbreak Hill by the ankles.

May 7

In an unexpected vindication of the Lamarckian theory of heredity, Michael Jackson's son is born looking exactly like Diana Ross.

May 19

Bob Dole becomes pitchman for the Wiz's 15-percent-off holiday sale. The dance remix of his jingle -- "It's your money, it's your money, it's your money!" -- climbs to number two on the Billboard R&B chart.

May 23

Gallup polls indicate that 83 percent of Americans consider themselves impatient for "another one of those feel-good military invasions."

May 26

Bill Clinton orders an immediate annexation of Canada. American troops spill over the border, securing key territory in Quebec and southern Ontario within hours. The country finds itself unable to mount an effective response to the invasion, as over two-thirds of its armored divisions are currently guarding a weapons dump outside Sarajevo.

May 28

The Russian Ministry of Space is forced to abort its latest Mars launch after the Coke in the primary booster fails to react with the Pop Rocks. Calling the current space program "too ambitious," Secretary of Exploration Sergei Vasiliov announces plans for an unmanned probe to search for life in Australia.

June 2

In a bid to bolster international coverage, New Yorker editor Tina Brown hires Herb Ritts as the magazine's war photographer. Ritts draws critical acclaim for his stark photos of maimed Zairean rebels against billowing white gauze.

June 4

Yet another rapper falls victim to violent crime when Vanilla Ice is attacked by four men wielding cans of bug spray. The police investigation of the assault is hampered when hundreds of people claim responsibility.

June 7

< Mr. Pibb quietly disappears from the beverage market.

June 9

The Senate probe of Whitewater grinds to a halt when, during the cross-examination of a Rose Law Firm copy clerk, special prosecutor Kenneth Starr becomes confused and admits that even he has no idea what the case is about.

June 17

Tragedy returns to the South Carolina lake where Susan Smith drowned her children. A memorial is erected to the seven sightseers who lost their lives when their minivan rolled into the same water; three weeks later, a bus visiting the site rolls into the water, killing 27 people.

June 25

Ralph Nader celebrates the 10th anniversary of the last time he had sex.

July 1

Britain relinquishes its control of Hong Kong and promptly invades East Timor.

July 4

Tragedy strikes the Boston Pops when, during a climactic Hatch Shell performance of Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture, an errant firework vaporizes the viola section and critically injures conductor Keith Lockhart. The following Sunday, a benefit two-step at the Eagle spills out onto Tremont Street, causing a near-riot.

July 18

After a White House party honoring women in the NRA, Janet Reno finally gets herself fired after she inadvertently stubs a cigar out on George Stephanopoulos's head.

July 19

Unable to come to contractual terms with retired UN Secretary General Boutros Boutros-Ghali, the Wrigley Corporation is forced to hire Sirhan Sirhan to star alongside Duran Duran and the Olsen twins in its next series of Doublemint commercials.

July 30

Brit-pop phenom Liam Gallagher of Oasis dies of a heroin overdose, inspiring a spate of vapid comparisons to Cobain, Lennon, and Morrison. Although American audiences recover from the tragedy fairly quickly (LIAM WHO? asks the cover of the next week's Variety), grieving British teens are still setting themselves on fire well into September.

August 1

In an effort to fill a six-week gap in the American holiday schedule, Hallmark announces a line of cards establishing August 2 as Freon Appreciation Day.

August 5

A Boeing 747 en route to Atlanta from Montreal crashes into the South Carolina lake where Susan Smith drowned her children, killing all 241 people on board.

August 8

Mr. T. officially returns as a pop icon.

August 14

Buoyed by the resurgence of interest in whiskey and cigars, an enterprising Back Bay restaurateur opens a bar (with attached retail store) specializing in gourmet chewing tobacco. Sales of brass spittoons skyrocket.

August 20

Following a heavy summer meal, President Clinton is hospitalized for two days with indigestion.

August 21

Hillary Clinton steps into the gap by firing the Supreme Court and replacing it with the town of East Elk Creek, Iowa, population 9. "It takes a village to rule on the fine points of constitutional law," she tells a stunned White House press corps.

August 27

Fidel Castro quits after 38 years as the absolute leader of Cuba, saying he "finally got bored." He takes a job managing his cousin's dry-cleaning franchise in Miami.

September 3

State education czar John Silber adds a note of controversy to the first day of school by announcing the return of the birch rod to Massachusetts classrooms. Attendance drops precipitously, but administrators note a concomitant increase in test scores and eraser cleanliness.

September 10

Scottish novelist Irvine Welsh follows up on the success of junkie opus Trainspotting by releasing the hastily written sequel, Birdwatching. Sales stall when readers decipher the Edinburgh dialect and realize the episodic novel is about an ornithologist called Arthur.

September 19

In a tragic irony, Ted Williams dies when his car drifts into oncoming traffic on the approach to the Ted Williams Tunnel. The city declares a year of mourning, but Artery officials privately express relief that they no longer have to justify the name.

September 30

The Internet is back in the news when Jack Kevorkian goes online with his "Digital Death" website (http://www.hemlock.com). Worldwide circulation of nude Alicia Silverstone scans plummets when thousands of Netheads engage in voluntary "system aborts."

October 3

A contract to remodel City Hall Plaza is awarded to club mavens the Lyons Group. Their plan to turn the underused plaza into "Physical," a new megaclub with an early-'80s theme, meets with opposition from promoter Don Law, who says he isn't done with the '70s yet.

October 7

Mike Tyson undergoes emergency hormone therapy when his neck grows to be wider than his shoulders.

October 13

The medical community is thrown into turmoil when it is discovered that an apple a day causes cancer.

October 18

The Million Meter Maid March converges on Washington, DC. The keynote speaker, Brenda Spark of Tulsa, gives a rousing address demanding an end to free parking on Sundays.

November 14

Former Olympic Park bombing suspect Richard Jewell is indicted in connection with the TWA Flight 800 explosion, the World Trade Center bombing, and the kidnapping of the Lindbergh baby.

November 22

A tired and ailing Pope John Paul II steps down from the Holy See. The Vatican experiences weeks of confusion when officials realize the logical choice for his successor is Madonna's child, who is a girl.

December 1

William Weld, recovered from his injury, kicks off a national RV tour with other defeated Republicans -- including Bob Dole, Peter Blute, and Bob Dornan -- for the MTV series Road Rules Committee. In the opening episode, tensions rise over Weld's choice of music and G. Gordon Liddy's constant eavesdropping. In later episodes, the gang reaches the breaking point and staples Dornan's mouth shut.

December 10

Gross-out youth merchandising hits its apogee as Mattel's "My Little Booger" becomes the hot toy property of the holiday season. The product flies off the shelves in every country except North Korea, where the top December seller is the Kim Jong Il action figure, as it is every year.

December 19

Joy turns to horror when, at a performance of Boston Ballet's new high-tech Nutcracker, the plutonium-powered expanding tree bursts through the ceiling of the Wang Center, raining debris on the stage and killing the Mouse King. The children in attendance burst into applause.

December 27

The state of Washington's long-simmering Mount Rainier finally erupts, launching the Seattle suburb of Fall City hundreds of miles into the air. The town, population 3600, lands in the South Carolina lake where Susan Smith drowned her children; there are no survivors.

Stephen Heuser and Chris Wright are on staff at the Boston Phoenix.