by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I have a problem with my boyfriend, well actually ex-boyfriend. We have been together for three years, and he has never worked. I have gone to college and worked. I am tired of supporting him, and I told him if he didn't change his loser friends and get a job, he couldn't come back. I don't even know if I still love him. Maybe I'm just sick of all the b---s--t! Can you give me any advice?

Linda

Dear Linda,

Are you telling Dr. Lovemonkey that this guy still lives at your place, rent-free? And he's your ex-boyfriend? This is, as they say, a "no-brainer," Linda. Three years is an awfully long time to be mooching off another person. He is in danger of becoming a professional parasite. Time to move on.

Two weeks' notice should be sufficient. I'm sure he'll try to tell you that he won't be able to find another place on such short notice, so you should suggest that he move his base of operations to a couch at Casa Loser, where his friends, no doubt, will provide him with shoulders to cry on and accurate directions to the local office of the Department of Labor and Training.

Don't look back and be firm. The residue of whatever feelings you may have had for this guy will eventually fade, if they haven't already. Get on with your life and tell him that he should look into getting one of his own.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

My girlfriend is always messing around with other guys. I'm not jealous, but I feel really uncomfortable when this happens and it happens all the time. Like, we would go to a party, and she would spend time with these good-looking guys, laughing and carrying on and flirting with them. So I started flirting with this other girl, and later on we had a big fight. It seemed only fair to me. What else can I do?

Jed

Dear Jed,

Well, have you tried talking about it, letting her know that you feel uncomfortable? I'm not sure what you mean by "messing around." If it's just flirting, enjoying someone else's company, and giving them some attention, Dr. Lovemonkey says, So what?

There is a line, however, that concerns shared intimacy. And one need not leap on another person and start fellating them for this line to be crossed (although, if one intends to cross it, this would certainly be a powerful and dramatic way to go about it).

You have to ask yourself if this line of intimacy is being crossed, Jed. If so, then it is a legitimate topic of discussion for the two of you. You'll want to ask her if she is aware that you feel uncomfortable and whether she's doing this (maybe even subconsciously) to stir up a jealous reaction.

Of course, it also could be that your reactions are exaggerated. It may just be that your girlfriend is, as they say, someone with a vivacious personality and that you are showing signs of insecurity. Here are a few questions you might want to ask yourself: Is she truthful (are you truthful)? Does she frequently give you the same amount of attention? Do you trust each other?

As you may have gathered already, going out of your way to flirt with someone else because you feel she is flirting is a dumb move. If you feel hurt, the proper response is not to hurt somebody back, but to address why you feel hurt. Let me also take a wild guess that at this party where you decided to take definitive and stupid action, you were both . . . drinking? It's amazing how frequently this turns out to be the case.

If you are secure in this relationship, then this should not be an issue. My guess is that you haven't reached that stage yet.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I'm dating a midget, and I'm worried about how to introduce him to my family. It wouldn't be such a big concern if I hadn't had an uncle who was a midget as well. In fact, he was a midget wrestler who ran around on my aunt all the time with these showgirls he picked up in Las Vegas. She finally threw him out and divorced him. She told him that she was sick of his "midget shit."

The memory of this is still present with my family, and I'm afraid that I'll stir up some bad memories and that they will be biased against my boyfriend because of my uncle's behavior. Any idea on what I should do?

Judith

Dear Judith,

Although I am weighing the possibility that this is a fake letter (and let me tell you that the odds are most decidedly against you on this), let me suggest that your uncle's poor deportment had far more to do with the fact that he was in show business (and, for the sake of argument, I propose that midget wrestling is an adjunct of show business) than with the fact that he was a midget.

If your family rebuffs your boyfriend, it would be like rebuffing an Italian-American because they once had a bad experience with a person who happened to be Italian-American.

Unless your family is hopelessly bigoted, I would expect them to welcome your midget boyfriend with open arms (or legs, whichever the case may be). And by the way, the term "midget" is considered derogatory by many, so you may want to check with your significant other on what he considers an appropriate designation.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

Aww, Dr. Lovemonkey, don't you think you were a bit harsh on Mark-in-search-of-a-big-dick ( column of 9/25)? Hahaha, I love it.

A Girl

Dear A Girl,

I'm glad to see that we are in agreement on the topic of dick enhancement. I say that if one is really concerned about the size of his appendage, rather than about costly and dangerous surgery, the best strategy is to cut about four inches from a length of garden hose and insert it into your trousers (duct tape would probably be the best adhesive here).

Don't worry about what happens when it's time to reveal your manhood. The pathology implicit in such a scheme should guarantee that you'll never get that far.

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