by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

Your reply to Shadow ("A distinguishing characteristic," March 12) about his foreskin, although decent, had a residue of the same social negativity that was hurting that boy. In some non-Western countries, girls are circumcised as a normal social custom. And knowing the religious and sexist attitudes built into these primitive cultures, we enlightened outsiders can see (provided we think beyond social facades) the real reason why. So it is with circumcision.

I couldn't even get a gynecologist friend to come up with a natural reason for why the foreskin exists at all. (Even though the Bible calls snipping "a cleansing of skin," Jesus apparently had his sewn back on. Smart.) As a result, everyone falls back on the old "hygiene" excuse, which, of course, is patently absurd when you think about it.

After all, dirt and bacteria also get under people's fingernails, no matter how trimmed, but do we cut off the baby's little pink fingertips for hygienic reasons? No, we wash baby.

Then, when baby becomes a big boy, not only does he wash his hands as mommy taught him as infrequently as once a day, but he takes even less time to wash his dick. I said wash. Have you ever seen boys in a shower room wash their privates? It consists of splashing water onto their crotch from about a foot away.

So why do doctors continue to cut? Aesthetics? Well, that's a cultural negativism that the gay community has turned on its head, so to speak, with the advent of those gorgeous Eastern European uncut porn models. So why, oh why, the cruelest cut of all? It's complicated.

In part, it is a greedy profit motive. Check doctor charges for it, and you'll see why some health insurances won't cover it anymore. And check where the idiotic practice came from in the first place (in the Christian West), and you'll see its connection to the Victorian horror of masturbation in young boys.

Then there's the legitimate reason -- because of a defect, the foreskin won't retract as nature intended. (Normally, they stretch readily and permanently if too tight in the novice). But this is rather rare and treatable.

So back to the drawing board. Why is it there? No, not because masturbating is a blast with it. True, nothing beats, so to speak, that thrill. And easy? You bet!

Protection? Maybe, but cut boys, now that we wear clothes and Calvin Kleins and, hopefully, jockstraps, don't have that problem anymore.

Well, we've exhausted all the possibilities. Or have we? You see, men see this dick thing from their own perspective (when they're not looking at other men's in the john). Take male doctors. They couldn't possibly think a woman might have another perspective and could tell them a little something about their cut dicks. But then you, Dr. Lovemonkey, are not a woman either. Nor is my gynecologist friend.

Tell Shadow that when his girlfriend grows up, she'll truly appreciate the fact that he has a foreskin (but a brand that comes with the instructions for use in clear English).

-- Vincent

P.S.: Need a clue? Form follows function, as they say in good industrial design.

Dear Vincent,

Thanks for your absorbing dialectic covering (so to speak), the latest in Queer Theory, and the meaning of the foreskin. Since both your and my advice to Shadow are pretty much the same, the apparent bone of contention here is that my reply didn't contain the requisite cultural anger. Sorry.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I'm trying to make a serious decision. My live-in boyfriend is a financial nightmare, and I'm afraid that he's going down like the Titanic. I just don't want him to take me and my kids with him. Am I overreacting, or should I get off the ship? Is love supposed to be enough?

-- Confused

Dear Confused,

When setting up serious and permanent housekeeping, love is never enough. You say you've got kids, so that makes it serious business, as opposed to playing house. Being fiscally responsible, especially when children are involved, is an absolute necessity. Being nice and sweet and kind (and I don't even know if this is the case with you) is also well and good, but irresponsibility is irresponsibility.

Serious relationships (and, if you are living together, this qualifies as "serious") imply a number of obligations. You also have an obligation to your kids to make sure that they are safe and that their needs are being met. Sharing your life with a boyfriend who doesn't understand this is irresponsible on your part. Get off that ship right away.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

My girlfriend and I have been dating for a long time. The topic of sex came up recently, and we both agreed we were ready. But when the night finally came, she said that she feared pregnancy and didn't believe that any form of birth control would prevent it. Then she said she still really wanted to have sex with me.

Is she just being a tease, or do you think that she is just insecure about sex in general? What should I do?

-- Sexually Confused

Dear Sexually Confused,

Guess what? Your girlfriend is right -- there is no 100-percent sure method of avoiding pregnancy except to abstain. Sounds like she is having second thoughts, and when it comes to becoming sexually active, second thoughts are not bad thoughts.

Respect her decision and avoid putting any pressure on her. When it's time and it's right, it should be good all around. While I know of many circumstances in which people have regretted becoming sexually active too quickly, I've never heard of any in which there has been regret because they waited. Masturbate. You have my permission.

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