by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

That letter from the woman working at the YMCA (September 24) and staring at the guy in the blue bikini "sporting a woody" was hilarious. However, you questioned the propriety of a guy doing such a thing in a gym full of strangers. I'll admit, I don't know anything about it for fact, but it crossed my mind that perhaps Mr. Bikini is gay and trolling for a partner. I would think that strutting around showing off the goods is a real "plus" for gay guys in a gym setting and that, therefore, Mr. Bikini probably doesn't notice the author of the letter in any way that would be useful to her.

-- Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Indeed, the indeterminate sexual orientation of Mr. Bikini was one of the first thoughts that crossed my mind as well. But I do think that most gay men, like most straights, appreciate a modicum of modesty.

Dr. Lovemonkey,

I have been reading the Phoenix for several years, and I must say that it is the newspaper for me. I probably fall into the classic Phoenix demographic -- mid-20s, white single professional male. I like the paper, and when I open it up on a Thursday evening or, more commonly, when I go to the Web site in the morning, the first thing I read, before politics or stuff about nightlife, is your column.

I like your wit, and it is sometimes refreshing to read about other people's problems with the opposite (or same) sex, instead of thinking about my own. What I find puzzling sometimes is your attitude. Your column seems to be the most conservative part of the whole paper. It's like listening to my mother, only with a sharper tongue. Are you in your lower 40s but still "cool"? That's what you sound like. To each their own.

More specifically, I would like to respond to you about the letter from "Confused" (September 24) about the proposed threesome. While I found your response interesting, here is mine: I live with roommates, and one of my roommates is engaged to a wonderful girl, who is also good friends with me and my girlfriend. The only person my roommate had sex with was his fiancé. On the other hand, she used to be a party girl in her day and had multiple partners. So they were in the exact same situation described in the letter.

Discussing it between themselves, they both agreed that it might be worth a try. The person they propositioned to be the third was my girlfriend. She wanted to do it, and I did not see any harm in it, so the three of them spent a night together. The problem was that I lived in the same house with them and my girlfriend practically lived there, too. We spent a lot of time with each other, and I wondered whether it would have a lasting after-effect, whether things would change between us.

Well, this was six months ago and everything is fine. I am still good friends with my roommate and his fiancé, I still have the same girlfriend, and she is good friends with everybody in the house, just like nothing ever happened. There are no bad undertones. Hell, a few times when we were at small parties, "just friends" kinds of things, it made for a hilarious story.

Admittedly, it does not always work out that great. I have been in messy relationship situations plenty of times. But you know, every time is an adventure. More people should be willing to open themselves up a little more, to take a chance and try a new experience. Forget, at least for a while, about conventional Christian morality. Experiment. Try everything once and keep what you like, discard what you don't.

A world like that would be a lot more fun to live in, and I think a lot less people would get hurt. I believe that anybody considering a new sexual or, for that matter, any other kind of non-harmful, consensual experience should be strongly encouraged to go for it, not pulled back. Live and let live, that type of thing.

-- Mike

Dear Mike,

My thoughts on the "threesome" matter have nothing to do with either acceptance or rejection of "conventional Christian morality." My advice was predicated on Dr. Lovemonkey's belief that sexuality is a powerful and important area of human life. If all parties are agreed on the "sex as sport" notion, the ethic that it appears you embrace, then your feeling that this is not harmful is a reasonable assumption. But not everyone is a sexual libertine and I detected "Confused" was, well, confused. It didn't seem that she was with the "all parties agree" program.

Having had considerably more than six months to consider the implications of sexual behavior, my experience has been that most people associate it with their spiritual connectedness to another person. That is not to say that there aren't other ways of looking at it, just that my thinking and experience have led me to the belief that, if you agree sex is powerful and important, it works best to experience it as such.

I can accept the label of "conservative" (if that makes it easy for you) in this matter. I also think that cultivating one's spiritual connection with the world is vitally important for humans. It also may be a "conservative" position to believe that, in order to maintain a workable representative democratic form of government, it takes effort and focused attention. That too many of us in the US have forfeited this in favor of comfort and convenience is, from my perspective, the primary reason for our disenchantment with government. If this is "conservative," feel free to consider me one.

Be that as it may, some people treat sexuality more casually than others. And I agree, to each his own. Just be forewarned that the attitudes expressed in this column come from someone who considers sex meaningful in a profound way.

By the way, I still believe that the argument that "you had a lot of experiences and I didn't" mainly amounts to sexual blackmail. And I am in my late 40s. Give my regards to your mother.

---

Email Dr. Lovemonkey

---

Dr. Lovemonkey's archive

---