Dear Christy,

Dr. Lovemonkey has always found it distressing that so many people tend to identify their lives with songs, television shows, films, and other commodities of popular culture. How many times has a person of your acquaintance declared, " Hey, my friends and I are just like those Friends on TV, except we’re not anorexic " (and not making six figures per " episode " of your life either, dare I say). And if an iconic performer, like Fiona Apple, Dean Martin, or the late, great Marquis Chimps, magically materializes on the tube some evening, clothing stores are flooded the next day with requests for the very same type of garments worn by these entertainers (I, for one, went through a period in which I no longer dressed in standard Dr. Lovemonkey uniform — hospital scrubs, Chinese cloth slippers, giant ping pong paddle-sized medallion — and switched instead to Marquis Chimps mufti — suspenders, boldly striped jersey, paper hat). The doctor knows firsthand the narcotic pull of pop culture.

At your prompting, I have located the lyrics to " Total Eclipse of the Heart " on the Internet and read them. It appears to be one of those songs of " quiet desperation " that Henry David Thoreau was so hot on, although I do not recall Mr. Thoreau ever noting " Total Eclipse of the Heart " as a personal fave rave. This may have something to do with the fact that he died in 1862, more than a century before " Total Eclipse of the Heart " was written. But you can be sure that Thoreau identified strongly with the concept of a " total eclipse of the heart, " even though his eclipses had more to do with the lack of ecological concern among the residents of Massachusetts, and the fact that poll tax money was being used to support the slavery laws and the war against Mexico.

Since I am assuming people are abiding by the anti-slavery laws in your hometown (and we are presently not at war with Mexico), it seems that your total eclipse of the heart has to do with unrelieved feelings of loneliness due to a lack of intimacy with your boyfriend (if I’m reading the lyrics correctly here). My suggestion is, let your boyfriend know you’d like to spend more intimate time with him, and really try to work out a plan to do this. Working this into your schedule should be much easier since Napster is being closed down, and you’ll no longer be able to download Bonnie Tyler, Juice Newton, or Merrilee Rush singles with impunity.

Dear Heart Broken,

Despite your dedication and commitment to making this relationship work, both parties have to make the effort. This guy is telling you that he’s not willing to work at the relationship, and he doesn’t want to be involved with anyone where he currently needs to have any responsibility. He wants to go out, have fun, and not put any work into building a relationship with another person. Your dedication and commitment cannot make up for his lack of the same.

It’s clear that you truly care for and love him, but it is just as clear that he does not " really, really love you " (nor anyone else, most likely). He’s too immature for you and you’re wasting your time waiting for him to grow up. You have to move on and forget about him, because he’s the wrong guy for you.