It’s funny that you mention that particular TV show. An old friend of mine often declares, upon mention of Friends, " They’re not your friends! " Most of my acquaintances fall at the other end of the cultural spectrum, as I am often considered unusual for my appreciation of NBC prime-time dramas. I told my best friend about the column, and her response was, " I bought a book by Thoreau yesterday. "

It’s distressing that people feel so connected to pop culture. I can’t watch MTV because I get queasy from the notion that the commercials are targeted at me (do they really think I’ll buy into that crap?). It’s disturbing to think that people are as predictable as the entertainment industry depicts them to be. I think I wrote to you precisely because I felt strange about the notion that a song expressed something about my relationship that I myself could not. Then again, I do not possess supernatural powers of self-awareness, so I shouldn’t be surprised if I occasionally need retrospection to notice an as-yet-unexamined facet of my life. Verbalizing my thoughts helps me to make discoveries about myself and my feelings. It helps to receive feedback from someone who can be objective (particularly someone with your cultural insight). So again, thank you! Sincerely,

— Christy

Dear Christy,

Looking over my response to your last letter, I thought: hopefully, readers don’t feel I’m being harshly judgmental when I mention my distress at people identifying closely with popular culture flotsam and jetsam (or was that Flintstones and Jetsons?) I, myself, find great comfort on the trashy side of the street. In fact, this weekend my wife and I could hardly get out of bed until the Lifetime Channel’s presentation played out of what seemed to be the entire Tori Spelling made-for-television-movie oeuvre. But, of course, neither of us could say that we " identify closely " with Tori Spelling. Can anyone who perambulates on hind legs truly claim this? Perhaps we find Tori so spelling because she is such an " other. " Who has a father like that? Who lives in a house like that? Who gets cast on TV shows sans effort like that? Who would pay for such poorly designed breast implants as those?

Glad the Doctor could be of service, Christy. I must go now and prepare for the onslaught of negative mail from regional chapters of the Tori Spelling Fan Club.

Dear Mal,

I don’t exactly understand what you mean when you say " insertion is the major problem. " What part of " insertion " don’t you understand? Dr. Lovemonkey remembers when he was a male hetero virgin, and, while I certainly had questions about all sorts of things, the " insertion " aspect seemed quite self-evident to me. Also, I did not have the benefit of a serious relationship of nine months with a " significant other " who has at least had some sexual experience.

Dr. Lovemonkey is also interested in how young you and your partner are, Mal. It seems incomprehensible that anyone who is mature and responsible enough to become sexually active would write to Dr. Lovemonkey to pose a question so general as to be virtually incomprehensible. I can’t help you if you can’t be a bit more specific.

Assuming you and your partner are mature enough to be initiating a sexual relationship, and that you really do have a " major problem with insertion, " but are perhaps too shy to explain exactly what you mean, let me suggest any number of places for you to direct your queries. Check out publications like Options (in Rhode Island) and Bay Windows (in Massachusetts).

You’ll notice copious listings of groups involved in everything from health issues to student and youth services, religion, sports, politics, and education. You name it and there are organizations in the gay community involved. For instance, if you live in Rhode Island like Dr. Lovemonkey, how about the GLBT Helpline of RI? From 7 to 10 p.m. on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday evenings, these fine people handle all manner of problems, concerns, and questions. The number is 751-3322, and if they can’t answer your questions, they’ll be able to direct you to a group or agency that can.