Asking for it

Dear Dr Lovemonkey,

I have been dating a woman for three months. She’s 27. I’m 26. She lives an hour-and-a-half away, and our work schedules permit us to see each other only on weekends. However, we love each other.

The problem is, I asked that silly question of how many guys she has slept with. The answer was 20 — twice as many as partners than the number I’ve had. I’ve found this hard to deal with, wondering if she has a "bad track record," and thought that maybe I should be with someone whose background is closer to mine. It just makes me jealous in some strange way, and eats me up a lot, but she is so sweet.

I know this is stupid and I should just accept her for who she is, but I wonder if this will cause problems in the future. Any suggestions?

— Feeling Weirded Out

Dear Weirded Out,

Yes, it was not a great idea to ask about her sexual history. The past is the past. Both of you are embarking on a new relationship, and the number of past sexual experiences shouldn’t have a bearing on what happens between the two of you. After all, she has chosen to be with you and you with her. It will only cause problems if you allow it to. So, forget about the past and forget about the numbers.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

My girlfriend and I recently broke up and she has begun treating me with cold professional detachment. It’s probably just a temporary outward defense mechanism, and I thought it might be a good idea to limit, in a nice way, the amount of contact, to minimize her opportunity to hurt me. I also tell myself that I must have meant something to her, and that she must also be suffering, but this doesn’t help much because her coldness still totally hurts me. Please give me some advice on how to cope with the pain caused by her nonchalance and indifference, and how not to be so hurt by it.

— Randy

Dear Randy,

You’re right about this being a defense mechanism. If it’s causing you pain, you’re wise to limit contact with her. People deal with disappointment and heartbreak in different ways, and detachment and coldness is apparently her way. Perhaps she thinks this will somehow protect her from feeling the same pain and disappointment.

Your challenge is to deal with your own suffering and not dwell on what once was. You seem to understand — better than her — that the emotional sorting out of a relationship is something that is best consciously experienced. Things will become easier with some time, but you should probably avoid too much contact for now. And when you do see her, remember that this is merely her way of coping.

I suspect that eventually she’ll come to have warmer feelings about the past and be able to connect with you on a more affable basis. Busying yourself with other people and other activities is also something you should pursue. It won’t keep you from dwelling on the past at times, but it will certainly quicken your recovery and help you to fully reclaim your self-esteem.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I’m a woman in my 40s and I recently met a man, also in his 40s and recently divorced, at a social occasion. We got to talking and danced around the subject of going out together, but every time it got to the point of setting a time and place, he’d hedge.

Everything seemed fine, but he just could not commit to a course of action. I haven’t heard from him since then, but I do expect to run into him at another social occasion in a couple of weeks. Should I just forget about it or what?

— Waiting

Dear Waiting,

If he’s recently divorced, there may be all sorts of things running through his mind and prompting him to hesitate. If you see him in two weeks, approach him in a humorous way. Tell him that you’re interested and make him set a date. If he continues to hedge, forget about it for the time being. It could be that he’s a bit scared and giving it a bit too much thought.

Issue Date: January 3 - 10, 2002

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