Adore the door

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

This may sound like a very minor thing, but it bothers me a great deal and I think it may have greater meaning than I’ve figured out. I’ve been going out with a really great guy for about four months. Although he has very good manners, there’s one thing he does that I just don’t understand. Whenever he drops me off at home after an evening out, he doesn’t open the car door or walk me to my front door. Instead, I get out and he takes off, even before I’ve gotten safely in the door.

I wonder if he realizes how rude this is. I also wonder if he has any concern for my safety. Is this serious or should I continue to let it go?

— J.W.

Dear J.W.,

This is probably not serious, but a certain type of thoughtlessness has come over your boyfriend. Dr. Lovemonkey, however, thinks it can be corrected quite easily. Just mention your concern to him. Maybe you haven’t done this out of an excessive sense of propriety, but you should tell him that you’d really appreciate it if he’d see you to your front door. The best time to mention this is when you’re having fun -- not as an addendum to a longer list of complaints or when you’re having a disagreement. Just casually mention that you would really like it if he’d do this.

Dr. Lovemonkey can’t imagine the boyfriend making a stink about something like this. On the plus side, it might also jar his conscience a little and he might start thinking about other things that he should also be doing.

You ask if he realizes that his behavior has been rude, and my answer is, "No, he doesn’t." You need not mention that it’s rude, but you definitely should mention it. If, for some reason, he is resistant to the idea, then you have a problem. Speak up and expect that he will respond positively.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I just broke up with the fifth guy in a row who has cheated on me. All the circumstances have been different, but every guy I’ve been with in the past couple of years has cheated on me. Is it that I’m very bad at picking guys? Is it that I’m doing something that brings this on, or is it just that the vast majority of men are dogs and maybe I should give up on them?

— Feeling Abused

Dear Feeling Abused,

You are asking some good questions and this is a very good sign. Unfortunately, I can’t answer the questions for you, but if you think about them long and hard enough, you might be able to come up with some of the answers.

Are you someone who gets intimately involved quickly? If so, you might want to reconsider the pace at which you’re conducting your relationships. Slow down and get to know the guy a little better. The process of getting to know someone is one of the most exciting parts of any relationship. If you get intimate too quickly, you can find out too late that the person isn’t to be trusted.

If you think that you have perhaps shown bad judgment in selecting partners, think about what’s attracted you to certain guys. It could be that you are drawn to certain types who are bound to be disappointments. Are there certain things that these guys who have cheated on you have in common? These are the types of questions you want to ask yourself .

Of course, it could also be that you’ve just had an incredible run of very bad luck. Either way, I’d suggest taking a little time off to ponder what it is about these guys that drew you to them in the first place and if your behavior might have been interpreted in a way that you didn’t intend.

Issue Date: January 10 - 17, 2002

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