Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

There’s this woman who lives in my building. Every time I ask her out for lunch, or coffee, or something, she says, " I have a boyfriend. " What is the best comeback line for something like this?

— Hot to Trot

Dear Hot to Trot,

It’s Dr. Lovemonkey’s considered opinion that said woman is politely telling you she isn’t interested because she has an intimate relationship that she doesn’t wish to breach. Is there any part of this rather direct and honest response that you do not understand? Go and find someone who is both available and interested. This woman is neither and you are acting like a " chooch. "

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I started seeing this guy while I was on vacation in Jamaica last year. After a couple of days, things really heated up and we were together for the rest of the week. At the end of the week, he told me that he was in a relationship and lives with the woman. It was obvious to me that he was unhappy in the relationship.

I didn’t hear from him for six months and then I got a phone call at around 2:30 a.m. in which he told me that he was really unhappy at home. He didn’t say, however, that he was planning to leave or anything like that.

Should I be applying a little pressure? I don’t really want to, but although I’m willing to wait, I also feel lonely and waiting is really hard. Any advice would be appreciated.

— Waiting

Dear Waiting,

Stop waiting. You were on vacation . . . no responsibilities . . . just having fun . . . and you meet this guy. So you spent a few days together. It’s very easy for some guy to have a fling for a few days and that’s what this was, a fling. He sounds irresponsible and you sound naïve. Forget about him. Having a hard time dealing with reality, he wants to nestle back into that little dream world you had together for a few days. And you’re buying it. This is not real. Go seek something that is.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

My boyfriend and I recently attended a chamber music concert. About an hour into the performance, the watch went off on the guy who was seated two seats from me. It seemed very loud because the audience was quiet and concentrating on the music. I must say that " Camptown Races " (the tune that was playing on his watch) does not blend well with Mozart.

My boyfriend and I did the same thing as just about everyone else in the audience: we just looked straight ahead and ignored this incredible and altogether unnecessary interruption. What I’m wondering is whether there was something else we could or should have done that would have been better. In the back of my mind I believe this sort of thing deserves something more proactive on the part of the audience. Any thoughts?

— R.R.

Dear R.R.,

Assuming that the person wearing the " Camptown Races " watch is someone with normal sensibilities, his utter humiliation at his cheap timepiece’s outburst should be sufficient punishment. Certainly, when Dr. Lovemonkey has had similar experiences, he has dreamed of rousing the audience at intermission, passing out torches like the ones used by the villagers in most Frankenstein movies and chasing the person that ruined the concert out of the theater. But this takes a great deal of planning and effort, and one already has to go through enough of that when attending a classic music concert or dance recital. The fussy dressing alone takes a lot out of you, not to mention the challenge of having to balance on your hind legs for those parts of the evening when you’re not seated.

You could, of course, carry an eight-by-10 photo of Bozo the Clown in your jacket pocket and whip it out when the insult occurs, thrusting it into the offending party’s face. Dr. Lovemonkey can foresee the day when all handguns, cell phones, and musical watches are confiscated at the symphony door, but until that day arrives one must be aware that the cretins among us present a constant threat. A brief glance reeking of contempt ought to be sufficient to handle this.

Issue Date: January 17 - 24, 2002

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