Oral love

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I’ve been going with a guy for almost a year now. Everything is wonderful, but there is one little nagging problem. It’s probably not such a big deal, but it bothers me. He has never said, " I love you. " In virtually every way he’s shown that he loves me, but I want him to say it. Two questions: is this something that I should be concerned about, and how do I get him to say the words?

— Waiting

Dear Waiting,

People and especially the male of the species feel very vulnerable when they say, " I love you. " Of course, being vulnerable is one of the most important things that love is all about. Your boyfriend is probably a bit too self-conscious.

Do you tell him that you love him? If you murmur this at a passionate moment, I’d bet he’d reciprocate and tell you the same. If he’s showing you in every other way that he loves you, it’s not a huge thing. If you tell him on a regular basis that you love him, I think he’ll loosen up and feel more comfortable telling you the same. If you’re sure of his love and devotion, just give it a little time and ease him into it.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

It seems to me that every guy is obsessed with the size of his penis. Is this true?

— Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Obviously, you’re a woman, because if you were a man, you’d know the answer. Of course it’s true — all men are obsessed with their private parts.

I believe that this mass insecurity emanates from the fact that adult males (the heteros, anyway) rarely bathe together. Therefore, they walk around thinking that their units are too small.

Let Dr. Lovemonkey take away all that gnawing hetero insecurity, fellas. Yes, you all have undersized, insufficiently heroic blee-blees, but if you invest in the one and only " Dr. Lovemonkey’s Heroic Blee-Blee Stretcher, " you'll be hung like a common criminal within hours (and so will Dr. Lovemonkey). You also will be in constant, agonizing pain, but, as all of us men know, it’s a small price to pay.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I tell my girlfriend just about everything. I pride myself on my honesty and believe it’s important to be fully honest with another person if you’re going to have a strong and meaningful relationship. The problem is that sometimes she gets angry with me because I’m so honest.

For instance, she bought a new skirt a little while ago and she asked me how I thought it looked. I told her that I didn’t think that it looked so hot, and although she didn’t get angry, she got really moody instead.

Don’t you think honesty is the best policy? Should I start lying to someone who is really important to me just because it would be more convenient?

— Trying To Be Real

Dear Trying To Be Real,

Everything you believe, feel, or suspect isn’t so important that you should share it, even with your most intimate friend. Some things should just be kept to yourself. You’ll never know another person completely (hell, you’ll never know yourself completely) and vice versa, and to be bent on doing this can sometimes (regardless of intent) be destructive and hurtful.

One of the benefits of a good, intimate relationship is support. When your girlfriend buys clothes and asks your opinion, she’s probably not looking for an actual critique, just some support. In general, people need support more than " complete honesty. " Let’s say you’ve gone to the movies with your girlfriend and the film stars a really attractive actress. Based on your standard of " complete honesty, " are you going to start raving to about how friggin’ great Nicole Kidman, Cameron Diaz, etc., looks?

When your girlfriend buys a new piece of clothing and asks what you think, the proper response is something like, " Everything looks great on you. " More likely than not, she’s got a pretty good idea about how her clothes look and she’s just looking for affirmation, something that tells her, " Yes, you have good fashion sense, sweetheart. " On the other hand, if your girlfriend has really atrocious taste and keeps buying things that don’t flatter her, you may have a real problem.