What affair?

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

My husband and I have a good relationship. We work together to make our marriage work. We are open about our feelings and seem to feel happy. Our sex life is more than perfect. I just can’t figure out why he’s trying to make me think he’s having an affair. I know for certain that he isn’t. Why would a man do this? I’m very concerned that I’m making him feel insecure in some way. I compliment him a lot and thank him for all the things he does.

— F.

Dear F.,

I could use a bit more information. Such as, what is he doing that makes you think he wants you to think that he’s having an affair? Might you be reading this wrong? I don’t know, but it’s a possibility. Since you seem to have a good, close, and trusting relationship, maybe the thing to do would be to ask him, " Are you trying to get me to suspect you of having an affair?, " and see what he says. I can’t really suggest too much without a bit more information about your husband’s behavior. If you provide me with some of the specifics, I’ll tell you what I think.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I am 51 years old — MA degree in theatre and an ex-Air Force and Army officer. There are many things in my life that I’m proud of, but are also many of which I’m ashamed — missed opportunities, fouled relationships, and a bout with alcoholism. The past is eating me alive. I want to move on and make what time I have left productive, but I’m tortured into almost paralysis from the dark side of my past. Any ideas? People seem to like me and there is still a lot of talent, but my self-esteem is in the gutter.

— D.W.

Dear D.W.,

You’re in need of far more professional and thorough help than can be provided by Dr. Lovemonkey. You’re probably familiar with 12-step programs like AA. These are good places to start. All I would like to tell you is that you’re allowing the past to weigh you down. Everyone has missed opportunities and done things of which they’re ashamed. You should seek therapeutic help to develop techniques to overcome stressing about these things. Self-esteem may not be the problem, but whatever it is, you’re allowing it to hold you back.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I recently asked my boyfriend about his biggest sexual fantasy and he told me that it involved having sex with me and another woman. Much as I like to be open-minded about things, I’m not interested in, nor turned on by, my boyfriend’s fixation on the two-women scenario. Although I have no intention of doing this, I’d like to know how common this fantasy is among men, and if it’s quite popular, as I suspect, why?

— I Don’t Get It

Dear I Don’t Get It,

The having-sex-with-two-women scenario is about as popular with men as drinking too much beer during the Stupor Bowl. Dr. Lovemonkey suspects that bedding two women and getting piss-drunk with the pigskin action are somehow linked to the profound matter of " wanting to feel like a real man. " They’re both astonishingly wrong answers to this age-old question, but men somehow keep coming up with them. It could be that these notions are also perceived as " fun. " Up until the time, that is, when you start throwing up or foul up a good relationship by introducing sex with a third party.

The latter would be just sport, a sport just as dumb as the codpiece ballet we call football, where really big strong men in padded uniforms attempt to destroy the future health of other big strong men in padded uniforms as we watch and cheer.