Blonde ambition

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I’m 16 years old and smart, sincere, nice, and pretty, but I’ve not had any luck in having a boyfriend. Somebody told me that I could get any guy I wanted because I’m a blonde. A lot of people also think that I’m a big ditz since I’m blonde, and because of this, I’ve sort of played into it and act ditzy because it plays into my personality. The only thing is, I think I’m being really ditzy without even knowing it and I feel like I might be acting stupid.

One of my friends told me that I’m probably too ditzy and blonde to get a real boyfriend. Do you think I may need to consider changing my hair color or something else?

— Michelle

Dear Michelle,

You need to consider changing some of your thinking. Dr. Lovemonkey rejects concepts like "too blonde" or "too redheaded." Because you’re 16 and in high school, there are probably a lot of naïve people who actually give some credence to "blonde" jokes and the stereotype, reiterated in popular entertainments like films and television, that blondes are ditzy. Somebody apparently forgot to tell Goldie Hawn, who, after playing the ditz in numerous films over the years, remains a powerful producer and major player in Hollywood. Sharon "Mensa" Stone is another one.

I prefer to believe what you first said: that you’re smart, sincere, nice, and pretty. I think you should believe this and stop listening to other people who simply repeat dumb stereotypes because, well, probably since they’re not as appealing as you. You can get caught up in playing the ditz to affirm other people’s image of you, but it’s a losing proposition since it’s like letting them define you.

So act like the real Goldie Hawn and tear their cojones out. Whoops! I didn’t mean that. Be who you are, and believe me, a good boyfriend will appear soon enough. And it will be someone who likes the real you, not the ditz act. Believe in yourself.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I’ve been going out with my boyfriend for just about three years. We don’t live together but we used to spend a lot more time together. In the past few months something has been wrong and we’ve been getting more distant. He’s been busy with some things and we just haven’t tried too hard, which I guess is also part of the problem.

In the last couple of weeks I’ve met this guy and I can’t stop thinking about him. He has a six-month-old baby, and although he hasn’t said so, I don’t think his marriage is going too well. He hasn’t really come on to me, nor have I to him, but I think about it all the time. I’m not sure what to do, so I’m writing to you.

— Torn

Dear Torn,

You should immediately forget about this other man. He’s married, and regardless of whether his marriage is going well, it’s not any of your business. He has a commitment to his wife and child, and you are edging toward a position where you could become an impediment to the lives of three people (many more, actually, because they have family and friends who are also invested in their happiness and commitment). So get the hell out of there. He might be the nicest person in the world, but he’s taken. If we respect marriage and family, we have to support it, and your presence in his life is destructive.

Now, about your estranged boyfriend: I’d suggest you get together with him (face to face, not on the phone), in a place where you can really talk to each other. Talk about what’s missing in the relationship, whether it’s irretrievable, and if this is something that you can both can work on. Keep talking until you’ve come to an understanding of what you both want to do. I can’t say if it will work, but it’s worth an honest effort. Good luck.