Mind the gap

Our first letter comes in response to last week’s missive from "On hold," a 21-year-old man who was contemplating a relationship with a 15-year-old girl.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I’m a 27-year-old man and engaged to be married to a wonderful 20-year-old woman. We met more than three years ago at a house party. I was 24 and she was one week away from 17. Half a year later, we moved in together. We’ve had a storybook relationship, and while our life had its bumps, it was our love for each other that helped us through them. In about another seven months, once she finishes college, we’ll be married. It really is the people, not the age. In my experience a twenty-something, slightly immature guy can be very happy with a teenage girl who is a bit overly mature for her age, and she with him.

— Happy Young Couple

Dear Happy Young Couple,

I appreciate the feedback and do understand that there certainly are circumstances in which a mature teenager and a not-too-mature post-teen can have a good and successful relationship. But from my understanding of developmental psychology, I see a big difference between a 15-year-old and a 17-year-old. Nothing that "On hold" wrote gave me any sense of his 15-year-old friend’s maturity level. Perhaps this situation could work out, but from an abundance of caution, Dr. Lovemonkey would rather go with the odds on this one.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I am a 24-year-old woman and I’ve never had a relationship. I feel like a freak. I am inclined to think the sole reason for this is that I have an unattractive body. I’ve had numerous male friends who love hanging out with me and with whom I have a lot in common. I’ve been told I’m "so cool" on several occasions. I have a very pretty face, beautiful hair, a good job, went to a good college, and I know about stuff that guys like (rock music, sports, outdoors, etc.), yet no one has EVER been interested. I mean ever.

I’m on the large side for a girl. I’m not "fat" — I am in EXCELLENT shape, but I feel like men just aren’t interested. Is there ANY hope for someone in my situation? And am I setting some sort of old maid record here?

— Old Maid

Dear Old Maid,

It may be unusual for a 24-year-old woman to have never had a relationship, but it’s not that unusual. Dr. Lovemonkey himself did not have a girlfriend until he was 26 and this was during the so-called "free love" historical epoch. I am twice that age now and my sense is that perhaps I was an unusual person in a number of respects and was expending too much energy looking for love in all the wrong places.

I understand your frustration. You sound like a very intelligent, interesting, and unique person. Could it be that you’ve been looking for love in places and circumstances that are far too ordinary for an exceptional person like yourself? One thing that Dr. Lovemonkey knows is that people find it very attractive when one finds happiness in one’s self and what one is doing in life. If, as it sounds, the lack of an intimate relationship is weighing heavily on your mind, the effect will only be negative.

I don’t think that your not being slender has anything to do with this. It’s more that peers in your age group are a bit slow and too dull to pick up on how extraordinary you are. Concentrate on doing the things that make you happy and hanging out with friends. The less time you spend thinking about being in a relationship, the better the odds are that one might develop. I realize that this might sound silly, but it’s true. People are drawn like magnets to happy, positive people. When you’re in a comfortable place for yourself, you’ll be surprised how many people will want to be there with you.