Not home alone

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

Being in a similar living situation as the partner of "Irritated in Mansfield" — whose boyfriend didn’t want her to meet his female roommate — I completely agree with your assessment of her situation. I too, feel that this guy isn’t to be trusted. My roommate is a stepdaughter of one of my siblings, and for financial reasons I was asked to let her move in with me about four years ago.

Upon embarking on any new relationship, I always mention that:

a) I have a roommate, and that she’s a woman. I explain the nature of our relationship and the reason why she resides with me.

b) There has never been any sort of relationship between us other than the sharing of the household.

c) Callers shouldn’t be surprised if a woman answers the phone at my place.

d) If the person has any questions or concerns, they should feel free to ask them.

This has served me very well in the past and I’ve been told that my honesty is greatly appreciated.

— Jon

Dear Jon,

Many years ago, there were two or three occasions when Dr. Lovemonkey shared an apartment with platonic female roommates, so I also know of examples in which there’s nothing unusual about this kind of arrangement. It was the lying and deception by the boyfriend of "Lying in Mansfield" that led me to suspect hanky-panky.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I recently saw a news report about the singer Dionne Warwick getting busted at the airport in Miami, supposedly for trying to smuggle a handful of joints. Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t she involved in promoting something called the "Psychic Friends Network"? If so, why didn’t her psychic friends warn her that she was going to get busted if she tried getting on a plane with marijuana in her carry-on luggage?

— The Question Man

Dear Question Man,

Although Dionne recorded a great string of romantic themed Bacharach/David singles for Scepter Records in the ’60s, knowing what’s on Ms. Warwick’s mind at any given time isn’t really part of Dr. Lovemonkey’s turf. It does seem, however, that one hardly needs friends these days, psychic or otherwise, to know there’s a high likelihood of having one’s luggage searched before boarding a plane. Another thing that strikes me about this incident is that Dionne was going from her home in Miami to Los Angeles. Have you ever heard the old saying about "carrying coals to Newcastle?"

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

There’s this guy who works in my building, but not at my company. I see him almost every day and am quite attracted to him. About a week ago, I asked if he’d like to have lunch with me and his response was, "I have a girlfriend." I’d still like to get together for lunch with him. Any ideas on what I could say in response to his line?

— Interested

Dear Interested,

The sentence "I have a girlfriend," seems to be quite straightforward — subject, verb, predicate. No fumbling in bogs of metaphor here. There’s little room for misinterpretation or confusion. Which part of the sentence do you not grasp?

Is it that you have a philosophical difference of opinion with this young man? In that case, you might respond by saying, "I really don’t give a shit that you have a girlfriend since I’m an advocate of irresponsibility, infidelity, and promiscuity. I should be ashamed of myself, but have yet to understand the concept of shame. Would you care to join me in committing any number of these affronts to common decency in a public restaurant?"