The real deal

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

In the case of "Angry and Wondering," who wrote last week about how she’d discovered that her fiancé had hit on a couple of her friends, and was planning on calling off the engagement: I think the first thing she should do is TALK TO HER FIANCÉ. There might have been other reasons for why her friends were telling her this. They may be jealous or something. This is a long shot, but don’t you think that her fiancé at least has the right to defend himself?

— Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Yes, you’re right, but I think you’re also correct about the chance that this is a long shot. I assume it wasn’t just the information she gleaned from her friends that led her to this viewpoint, but an entire pattern of behavior. I imagine there are other issues as well. Since Dr. Lovemonkey only gets an anecdote or two in the letters he receives, it sometimes becomes necessary to make certain assumptions. This was one of those times.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

For a year and a half, I’ve been going out with the greatest guy. I am confident and certain that he is the one for me and he tells me the same. I want to get married and start having a family in two years, but every time I bring it up, he says it’s not time yet and that we’ll get married, but not right now. What I can I do about this?

— Impatient

Dear Impatient,

Not a whole hell of a lot. Dr. Lovemonkey doesn’t know how old the two of you are or any of the other details of your lives, but these may not be pertinent in this case. What is pertinent is that he has told you of his intentions to eventually get married. Everything sounds pretty good to me, so why not ease up a bit and enjoy it? An 18-month courtship isn’t an excessively long time and it sounds like you’re on the same wavelength, with the exception that you want to start planning now.

Hang in there for a while longer and revisit the issue in four to six months. If he’s still reluctant to set a date and start planning then, you always have the choice of moving on to someone more bent on marriage. I wouldn’t say that his behavior rises to the level of "commitment-phobia," not yet, anyway. So take it easy and lay back a little longer. If you’re convinced that he’s the right guy, it should be worth a few more months just to make sure.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

My girlfriend has started becoming verbally abusive when we’re out socially with other people. Things seem okay when it’s just the two of us, but whenever we’re with a group, she tells me that I’m stupid or rolls her eyes when I say something with which she doesn’t agree, or makes me the butt of her jokes. I try to play along with this but it’s irritating and tiresome. I love her, but what can I do to change this behavior?

— L.J.

Dear L.J.,

Have you brought this up with her? Have you discussed with her how badly this makes you feel? Because this behavior only seems to crop up when you’re with others, it seems that she’s acting this way out of her own insecurity. Tell her that you don’t like being beaten.

If she doesn’t change this disturbing behavior, you should start re-thinking your relationship. That you love her may not be enough. There’s something seriously wrong when a person treats someone close to them that thoughtlessly and cruelly. Talk to her seriously about this and demand that she stop this ugly behavior.