Toeing the line

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I was reading in a local newspaper about the recent conviction of a man for licking the feet of women at a Shaw’s Supermarket and an Ocean State Job Lot. He apparently only got one year for this. Isn’t this is an incredibly light sentence for foot licking?

— Tough on Crime

Dear Tough on Crime,

Might you prefer the death penalty for foot licking? Foot licking apparently falls under the category of simple assault. Dr. Lovemonkey has little doubt that Mr. Raymond Champion Dublin, a.k.a, "The Job Lot Foot Licker," like most perpetrators of compulsive sexual acts, may strike again, but the law is generally not very good in dealing with crimes of extreme or bizarre pathologies. For instance, you can’t arrest someone merely because you know that person to be a total nutcase.

What’s most interesting about the Job Lot Foot Licker is his telling the second woman he lapped at Shaw’s that he was a "foot man." As elaborated by Dr. Lovemonkey’s good friend, public relations guru David Preston, "I am the foot man, we are the foot men, goo goo, gajoob."

On the other hand, Dr. Lovemonkey’s wife wonders why a committed foot licker would be hanging around Ocean State Job Lot. Says Mrs. Lovemonkey, "I could perhaps see foot licking at Ann Taylor, Talbots or Gucci, but Ocean State Job Lot? I’m afraid there might be a few hygiene issues that one might need to address."

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I’ve been going out with a woman for three months and we decided at the beginning that we’d go very slow. We’re both in our mid-30s, she’s been married before, and we’ve had enough experience to know that we should take our time. I’ve told her that my feelings for her are very strong, but I still give her lots of space.

Last week, I had to go out of town for a few days. I called a few hours after I left, but she wasn’t in and didn’t return the call. (I only call a few times a week and she usually returns my calls within 12 to 24 hours). I called her again the next day on her cell phone, which she always keeps with her. Once again, she didn’t call back.

So the next day, I called her at work and finally reached her. I told her I was concerned, wondering if she was okay, and wished that she had called me back to let me know. Instead, she was pissed at me for calling her so much, reminding me that we were "taking it slow."

We are very close. We’ve shared our feelings about marriage and children and have similar outlooks and values. But I’m getting the feeling that she’s backing off or playing me for a fool or something. What do you think?

— Seriously Confused

Dear Seriously Confused,

Hey, you’ve only been together for two months and you’re "taking it slow"! While you may not think that your series of phone calls was too much, it apparently was too much for her. Cool it on the phone calls. She’s a big girl and there was no reason to be worried because she didn’t call back quickly. I think your worry is more about your own insecurity. So back off and take it slow. For real. If not, I can almost guarantee that you’ll blow this.