The human appendage

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

There’s this guy I keep running into with my husband, and whenever I see him, he says, "There’s Joe and his lovely wife." I have become "Joe’s lovely wife," as opposed to a person in my own right. Is there any way I can nip this in the bud? I realize it’s not a big thing, but I find it annoying.

— Annoyed

Dear Annoyed,

Dr. Lovemonkey thinks that your husband’s friend is just trying to be complimentary, but if you find this annoying, when he says, "There’s Joe and his lovely wife," you could say ". . . and there’s Joe’s irritating friend."

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I am starting to have sexual dreams about my boyfriend. What’s the best way to let him know that I’m having these dreams about him?

— Getting Horny

Dear Getting Horny,

Pardon Dr. Lovemonkey, but I just don’t understand what the problem is. How about saying to him, "Guess what? I’ve been having sexual dreams about you." Perhaps he, too, has been having sexual dreams about you, and he’ll be more likely to tell you about them if you tell him about yours.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I’ve been going out with a guy for eight months, and everything is fine except for one thing. He has an ex-girlfriend who lives overseas. He keeps in contact with her, and every time she asks whether he’s in a relationship, he says, "No, I’m not involved with anyone."

I don’t think he’s going to get back together with her or anything. She’s over there, he’s here, and that’s that. He says he doesn’t want to upset her and that it doesn’t really matter if she knows about us, but I think there’s something wrong here. What do you think?

— Wondering

Dear Wondering,

You’re absolutely right. There is something wrong, and it doesn’t matter whether he has any intentions of getting back together with his ex. He’s treating you like you’re not a major part of his life and that sucks. Tell this guy that he’s pandering to his ex-girlfriend and treating you as if you’re unimportant. If he’s not willing to proudly tell her about you and your importance in his life, you should consider moving on and finding someone with more cojones.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I’m 14 years old and having sexual fantasies about my next-door neighbor. He’s 26, single and really, really cute. I’ve been really reluctant to make a move or talk to him about this because I don’t want to be rejected. Is there something I could do to get him interested? I think that he just sees me as the little girl next door and identifies more with my parents than with me. What could I do or say to move things along a little bit?

— Really Interested

Dear Really Interested,

There is one thing you should do . . . take a cold shower. The age difference between you is too wide at this time. I know that you don’t want to believe this, but it’s a matter of fact. Fourteen year olds are still developing, still learning, still a work in progress. He is a full-grown adult, and thankfully, he does identify more with your parents. He should. He sees you as the little girl next door because that’s what you are. Cool it and start hanging out with guys closer to your own age.