Back and forth

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I’m a 39-year-old man and have never been married. I’ve had three lengthy relationships (one of which would have resulted in marriage if things had worked out), but, in all honesty, the right person has never come along. For the past two months, I’ve been with a woman who might just be the right person. We are compatible in every way, but there is one big problem.

She lived with a guy for many years. Their relationship was tumultuous. They broke up several times and got back together, only to break up again. Since she and I have been together, they’ve continued to keep in contact. She has explained to me he is "such a part of her life," and that they still have "matters to settle." He regularly calls when I’m at her place, but she lets the answering machine take it.

It got to the point where I told her she had to make a decision and that our relationship could not go any farther until she was able to resolve her previous one.

Well, she told me she had to "clear her head," so she went on vacation for a week. When she returned, she acknowledged she had gone on vacation with her ex, that she needed to do so to end that relationship. She says she wants to just "stay friends" with both of us for the time being and to see us regularly. I’m not sure what to do. On one level, I am tempted to chuck it all, but I’m not getting any younger and I still very much love this woman. But even though I’m not the jealous sort, I’m not so sure if I can do this friends thing. What would you say?

— Confused in Warwick

Dear Confused,

All these behaviors are major danger signs. Your woman friend has resolved nothing with her ex. She still hasn’t gotten over him and may never do so. This could go on for years and you don’t want to continue to be torn apart by it. You already issued an ultimatum of sorts and she was still unable to make the break.

I think you should forget about her. Don’t, however, believe this was your "last chance" or that you will never find another compatible and serious partner. She was never a serious partner because, although there may have been good moments between you, she was never really committed to you. You were together only for a couple of months, so getting her out of your system shouldn’t cause great or long-lasting pain.

Seek someone who really is committed to you. Naturally, with people of a certain age, there will always be some "baggage," but hers was already packed and on display. So, get out of there, right now and keep looking.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I’m a female graduate student doing a teaching assistantship. I had a student last year who was just wonderful. He’s only 19, but he is so much more mature and wise than that. I’m married, so there are some complications beyond his age, but I have never connected with anyone in the way that I connect with this guy. I’m 26, and despite the age difference, I know I haven’t rationalized this guy into something that he’s not. He’s brilliant, he’s kind, and there’s great interest on his part. All I’d have to do is let him know that I’m equally interested.

I don’t want to live a life of regrets. This is the one person I’ve met where I sense there would be regret if I don’t act on it. He’s no longer my student, so the university rules against fraternization don’t apply any. Should I make the move?

— Waiting

Dear Waiting,

What you should be doing is finding out what the problem is in your marriage. You glided right past that as if it was nothing. You are MARRIED! What is going on? If there are problems (and it sure seems like there are), you’re responsible for addressing them. Why would you even look elsewhere? Deal with your marriage.