Wiggle room

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I’ve been going out with Michael for six months. We have a really strong relationship, are very compatible in a variety of ways, and I see the potential for this being "the one." So does Michael, but we had a conversation about something the other day that has made me wonder. It’s a matter of values, and although it was just talk, speculation and hypothetical stuff, his attitude was enough to make me question whether to go farther with this relationship.

We were talking about commitment, and I told him I thought that any sort of sexual or intimate activity, from kissing to intercourse, is significant and an example of infidelity if done with someone else. He didn’t agree. Michael thinks it’s okay to kiss somebody and even have sex (once) as long as there is no danger of emotional bonding. His perspective is that this would only mean there was sexual attraction, and as long as we acknowledged the act to each other, our relationship would not be harmed.

I told Michael that we’re through if anything occurs between him and another woman. He said, "I understand, but if it were you involved with someone else, I would want to take it as a specific case, and depending on a number of things, it wouldn’t necessarily break us up."

He’s trying to put me into some sort of "black and white" position in which he claims to be more flexible and understanding. I just don’t see it that way. Please, Dr. Lovemonkey, tell me if I’m being unreasonable, because I still can’t buy his position.

— C.M.

Dear C.M.,

I’m not buying Michael’s position, either. I look at it this way: you’re being clear about what constitutes infidelity and he’s searching for some sort of wiggle room. What he’s saying is, "I intend to stay committed to this relationship unless I get an incredible offer from someone who I find totally irresistible. But then, it’s okay, because it’s just meaningless sex and doesn’t really count."

Wrong! All behavior counts, all the time. Any physical or emotional interaction of an intimate nature with someone other than your mate is infidelity. If you don’t agree with that, then you open a giant Pandora’s box of exceptions. Here are some: "If I’m out of town on business, it doesn’t count;" "If I’m totally drunk and don’t know what I’m doing, it doesn’t count;" "If there’s no feeling or passion involved [I guess one brings along one’s ‘passionometer,’ to measure this], it doesn’t count;" "If it’s just oral sex, it doesn’t count [and also, I did such a great job with economy, you should leave me alone]."

Yes, there are any number of escape clauses if you open that door. Revisit this with Michael. Explain to him that "values" are things, by their very nature, which are absolute. Obviously, we humans err, but that doesn’t mean we should plan to err. Any man (or woman) who is truly committed, will not argue for an infidelity escape hatch. Michael may think he’s being incredibly honest and open-minded, but, in reality, he’s just being selfish and insensitive.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

My girlfriend is going to art school and she’s working on a performance art piece in which she’ll place various objects up her anus. I told her I thought the idea was dangerous and that she could hurt herself, but she finally convinced me that everything would be fine. She has asked me to get involved with the project and suggest some of the objects to place in her anus. I’m not very good with this. Do you have any ideas?

— Ricky Retardo

Dear Ricky,

Luckily, I am an expert at suggesting which things one should jam into their buttocks. I’d suggest to your girlfriend that she try to get her own head up there. If this proves too difficult, your head ought to do in a pinch.