Forget it

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I am a 19-year-old girl who has been with this guy (also 19) for about two months. I really like him a lot, but he’s very forgetful. He forgets everything. He tells me he’ll call me that night, and I wait around and he doesn’t call. Or he’ll tell me he’s going to take me to work, and he’ll forget or be late. Or he says, "I’ll be over in a little bit," and three hours later, he shows up. I have to wonder if this really is forgetfulness or is he doing this on purpose?

He’s also quite involved with marijuana. He and his friends are always trying to sell or buy some. Almost every time we’re alone, we get interrupted when he gets a call on his cell phone from someone who needs pot. I don’t mind that he smokes, but I do mind that dealing it becomes more important than spending time with me. Any suggestions on what I can do to improve either his memory or his manners?

— Jane

Dear Jane,

I don’t think there’s a whole lot you can do about his memory or manners. I don’t know if he’s truly forgetful (marijuana does tend to stifle one’s memory) or if he’s behaving like this on purpose. But I do know that this relationship is headed in one direction — down. It’s obvious that his herbal preoccupation is far more important in his life than you are. I would break this off quickly. Nothing good will come of this relationship.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I’m a lesbian in my mid-20s and, in the past three months, I’ve struck up an online relationship with another woman. We e-mail and, for the past two months, have talked to each other on the phone daily. Unfortunately, we are hundreds of miles apart and have never been able to physically get together. We have told each other that we love each other, and I do feel this and totally believe that she feels the same way, too.

The thing is, I think we may have gotten too intense, too quickly. I’m trying to think of a way of introducing the concept of not feeling that we have to talk on the phone and e-mail every day, but I’m a worried about this. I fear she might think I’m trying to pull back when I just want to slow down.

Do you have any ideas on how we can decelerate without my being misunderstood or causing hurt?

— Worried in Love

Dear Worried in Love,

I agree that you have a very delicate problem on your hands. I think you’re right to want to slow things down from a very quick start, but I’m afraid that doing this will take some time. You might want to talk about things in a more generic way — like if you know another couple that started out too fast and had problems as a result — but this might seem artificial or bogus.

If you feel very confident in your communication skills, try to tell your girlfriend how much the relationship matters, how much you care about her, and how, because of this, you want to slow down because you want to cultivate it properly. Of course, you run the risk of her thinking that you’re pulling back and feeling hurt. It is difficult to introduce the concept of wanting to slow down, without being misunderstood. If you do feel that you can introduce the idea, doing it on the phone is certainly more intimate than online (since these are your two options).

You should really make an effort to see each other in person, and soon. You may be able to better gauge her sensitivity to your suggestion. There isn’t a simple solution for you, but I’ll keep my fingers crossed that you’ll be able to get through this.