A real pisser

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I recently went out to dinner with a woman. This was the first time we’d seen each other alone in a strictly social setting. Only minutes after a waiter brought us our meals, she left to use the ladies’ room. There seemed to be no urgent reason for her to go at that time, and I felt it was rather rude. What is your take on this type of behavior?

— A.H.

Dear A.H.,

Unfortunately, Dr. Lovemonkey has never had what is known as an "extra sensory" experience or psychic revelation. So I must say that I am rather impressed with your presumed ability to determine whether another person should use a bathroom. Very impressive. It is you, A.H., who should have made a beeline for the men’s room, to remove the large 2X4 residing in the region of your buttocks.

Your perception — that there was some slight or rudeness involved in a friend wishing to use the toilet facilities — is way off base. Remove that 2X4, loosen up, and enjoy life.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I’m pretty fed up with these telephone solicitation people who constantly call, most frequently at dinnertime. I don’t want to go so far as to have any devices added to my phone, nor do I want to screen calls, but could Dr. Lovemonkey suggest something that might discourage telemarketers from calling?

— Pissed in Pittsfield

Dear Pissed,

I share your distaste for dinnertime solicitation calls. Even more irritating is computer "spam," as it sucks into more time. Unfortunately, I don’t think there’s anything you can say or do to "discourage" solicitations. Crass marketing behavior is now deeply imbedded in American life. Dr. Lovemonkey believes that the most valuable word in the 21st-century will be, "No."

Those with a malignant turn of mind (like the Doctor) frequently consider treating telemarketers to various torture devices, like a small-scale air horn than can be discharged into the phone receiver. But this is not unlike punishing the waitstaff at a restaurant for a poorly cooked meal. The real problem is in the kitchen. Perhaps you could demand that the young minimum wage-earning telemarketer who has called get his/her supervisor on the line, and then let loose with the air horn.

If you’ve got some leisure time and would like to mess with intrusive callers, you can always blurt out a spate of four-letter words, smutty oaths, and scatological suggestions. This will generally get them off the line in a hurry. Of course, you run the risk of having them take enthusiastically to this game. In that case, you might have a friend for life.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I am a 22 year-old woman. One of my best friends is a 21-year-old female with whom I go clubbing with on a regular basis. Whenever she talks to a guy for more than a few minutes, she says, "Are you going to buy me a drink?" I find this pretty embarrassing, but she seems to think that it’s perfectly all right. Do you have any suggestion as to what I could say that might get her to re-examine her behavior?

— Annie

Dear Annie,

The Godfather motion pictures include occasional discussion among the principals about social constructs referred to as "business" and "personal." In Dr. Lovemonkey’s perspective, going out to a nightclub is in the "personal" category. However, your friend’s relentless soliciting of drinks from men who she has just met smacks of "business" — as in a business commonly known as "the world’s oldest profession."

You might tell her this, and that if she continues to mix the personal with business, she runs the risk of waking up with a severed horse’s head in her bed. Well, not really, but I couldn’t help myself.

Send inquiries and romantic quandaries to lovemonkey[a]phx.com.