Take off zebra, baby

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

When is it appropriate to compliment someone on his or her clothes or appearance? I’m asking because I know of someone who, by way of complimenting a female co-worker, was accused of sexual harassment. I’m somewhat of a clotheshorse myself and I do notice when one of my female co-workers is especially well-dressed. But I’m afraid that the compliment may be taken the wrong way. Are there any ground rules for this?

— Bill

Dear Bill,

Complimenting someone for his or her clothing or appearance can be a delicate situation. Do you recall the scene in The Silence of the Lambs, when — after making a few brief and entirely inappropriate remarks about breast feeding to the female US senator whose daughter has been abducted by "Buffalo Bill" — Hannibal Lector notes, "By the way . . . love your suit?" Now, that’s a perfect example of a badly delivered and entirely gratuitous clothing compliment.

The primary consideration should be the extent of your social relationship with the person you wish to compliment. If you have a social relationship, then a compliment on one’s appearance can be very nice. If you hardly know the person or, if you are in the midst of some sort of business disagreement and you blurt, "I love your blouse," there’s a chance you could be taken to task. That’s because it can be perceived as what it probably is — some sort of subterfuge or attempt to throw your co-worker off-balance or to gain an edge.

So, if the person is someone you feel comfortable with and she feels comfortable with you, it’s a nice thing. If it’s someone you have no real social relationship with, hold your tongue.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I met a perfectly charming man a few weeks ago and after a few hours of conversation, we found that we had stirred romantic interest in each other. We acted on those interests that evening, but when I ran into him a few days later, his reaction was as if nothing had happened. I realize we’re not formally engaged or involved in any sort of major relationship, but I do think it’s rather rude to have this man give me virtually no reaction at all. Don’t you think I have every right to be angry with him?

— Surrounded by Rudeness

Dear Surrounded,

I’m not certain what one’s "rights" are in such a situation. The man in question is behaving rather discourteously, but what you have described used to be known (as the kids say, "back in the day") as a "one-night stand." The one-night stand has very little to do with any known rules of etiquette — and everything to do with hormones run amok. Primary characteristics of the one-night stand are its time limit (one night) and the fact that virtually no obligations or responsibilities are assumed, although there can be quite profound implications if the parties haven’t taken important health precautions (I’m sure you know exactly what I mean). So live and learn, que sera, sera, and if you’re looking for good manners and thoughtfulness, the one-nighter probably isn’t the right place.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

My best friend is a drummer. He has been given an audition with a band that has already secured a recording contract and appears to be on their way, professionally speaking. The only thing is, he was informed by management that they need to know how big his dick is. This sounds very wrong to me. He is really torn by this whole thing. It would be a great opportunity, but . . .

— T.D.

Dear T.D.,

What’s the question? And what’s their music like? If your friend is still considering joining up with this crowd, he should tell them that he needs to see their dicks first and then announce that he’s sorry, but he can’t imagine playing with guys with such small dicks.

Send queries and romantic quandaries to rcheeks[a]phx.com.