Aural action

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I’m a 27-year-old woman who has been happily married for two-and-a-half years. Before I got involved with my husband, I went with a guy named Ed for a while (although it was not what one would consider a "serious" relationship). Ed and I worked at the same company, and although I was initially interested, he didn’t share the feeling and was involved with someone else, a mutual friend who did not work with us. Four months into their relationship, they were having arguments and problems. This is when Ed started showing up at my house and we began a sort of off-and-on relationship that lasted for a year.

Ed eventually moved, and I pushed on with my life, getting happily married. My husband knows that I had this relationship with Ed and it’s of no great concern since we agree that our pasts were our pasts and we are focused on the future together.

Anyway, about a month ago, I got a call from Ed at my office. He’s living halfway across the country, but he wanted to talk. We basically discussed what’s going on in each other’s lives. He has continued to call three or four times a week, always to my office and

always just for these casual and friendly calls.

I have a feeling that my husband would not be pleased to know about these calls. And, to tell you the truth, I do feel a bit uneasy about this whole thing. My question is, do you consider this cheating or being unfaithful to my husband? I’m not certain about this, but I’m starting to feel uneasy.

— Uneasy Rider

Dear Uneasy Rider,

I wouldn’t consider your phone conversations to be a form of unfaithfulness, but your own reaction should tell you something. This is that your old friend Ed isn’t calling just to chat. He may be "halfway across the country," but there are these things called airplanes that can reduce the distance pretty quickly.

I think you sense that Ed is trying to get back into your life. You don’t want that, you don’t need that, and I would suggest telling Ed the next time he calls that you really don’t have time to spend talking to him on a regular basis. Wish him well and tell him you really want him to stop calling you.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I’m 28 years old and a few months ago I met this 19-year-old women at a club. We immediately hit it off. Within two weeks, we were seeing each other almost daily. We spent the night together four or five nights a week and she would stop by my work a few times a week for lunch. She would even stop by randomly for an intimate encounter. It seemed almost perfect.

Then, almost overnight, she became a little more distant, not open or as eager to have sex. I started to feel like she was slipping away. Then one day she called me, and during the conversation, I asked if she was telling me everything and if she was backing off or getting involved with someone else. She flipped out. She said she wasn’t going to tell me anything and that she didn’t want to see me anymore, that she wasn’t ready for a relationship.

We have continued as friends, but I still want her back. In the past, I have showered her with gifts, given her all my attention, and even lent her money. What else can I do? Is there something I’m missing?

— In Love

Dear In Love,

You came on too strong. Showering a girl with gifts, attention, and money subconsciously gives her the signal that she’s already in total control, and after awhile, she perhaps got bored with you. Remain friends, but impose more distance. If you’re calling her three times a week, cut that down to once every 10 days. See if she calls you. Go out and have fun with some of your other friends, and let her know that you’re happiness isn’t dependent on her affection. Her interest may be rekindled — and it may not — but I guarantee that if you persist in giving her all your attention, she’ll continue to lose interest.

Send sonnets and romantic quandaries to rcheeks[a]phx.com.