It’s a gas, gas, gas

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I have been going out with my boyfriend for about six months and he has one habit that drives me crazy. He regularly passes gas in my presence. It is not as if he’s trying to stifle it or anything either. In fact, even though he will excuse himself sometimes, I suspect that he secretly enjoys this. He tells me I should feel a certain amount of security in that he is comfortable enough to do this in my presence. Am I too uptight or is his behavior a bit on the crude side?

— Grossed Out in Greenville

Dear Grossed Out,

There are people for whom conducting a conversation while belching, farting, urinating, or defecating with the bathroom door wide open is standard behavior. I suspect that these same people might be found scampering around on all fours when other people are not around, but this, perhaps, is only in my imagination. You might want to mention to your boyfriend how you feel so comfortable with him that you wish to urinate on his leg while showering together, just to prove your closeness and fidelity. You could also carry around a little bag that makes flatulence noises (Dr. Lovemonkey once spent time with the actor Leslie Nielsen, who, for some unknown reason, has such a device). The idea would be to regularly employ it while walking down the street with your boyfriend, and when passersby react in horror, immediately point to your sweetie.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

My aunt recently died and at the funeral, a number of my cousins and I served as pallbearers. One of the cousins owns a business and is quite successful. At one point during the funeral, his cell phone went off. If this wasn’t enough, later on during a reception for those at the funeral, he passed around his business cards to a number of the people in attendance. I would really like to say something to him, but I’m not sure what I could say that might make an impression on him. Any ideas?

— Upset and Amazed

Dear Upset and Amazed,

I’m not sure there’s anything you might say to him would make an impression, either. Anyone who would not think to turn off their cell phone at a funeral (where they were asked to participate!), and then pass out business cards is operating on a different plane of etiquette from Dr. Lovemonkey. This said, you may want to point out that your cousin, by passing out business cards at the funeral reception, has ensured that some people will always associate his business with death.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I am writing this on Valentine’s Day and just wanted to share some thoughts about this "holiday" to see what you think. First of all, I am of the opinion that it is basically about the florist, greeting card, and candy industries pushing their wares on an all-too-gullible public. I am single and a woman, but I’m not anti-romantic. On past Valentine’s Days, I’ve had a relationship, it was all very nice, and I enjoyed it. It was not the case this year, but I was not at all bothered, upset, or saddened that I was not participating.

What I found strange was that so many of my friends seemed to expect me to be sad because I wasn’t someone’s Valentine. My sense is that they take the whole thing a bit too seriously. What do you think?

— Singularly Satisfied

Dear Singularly Satisfied,

In general, I think you have a pretty good attitude about the whole thing. While some people believe that Valentine’s Day is a scam for the florists, greeting card, and candy people, and others believe it to be a nice occasion for sweethearts to express their affection for each other, Dr. Lovemonkey views it as both. The USA is all about marketing, and all events and occasions to celebrate or acknowledge primarily good and positive things inevitably become commercialized. Just ask the car dealer who created the "I have a dream car for you," promotion on Dr. King’s birthday. The Doctor tries to pay no attention to the men behind those curtains.

Send quandaries and questions to rcheeks[a]phx.com.