Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

My husband is threatening to allow our 13-year-old son stay up later than his regular weekday bedtime to watch some made-for-TV movie about the behind-the-scenes story of the sitcom Three’s Company. I feel this was a very bad show. I also believe that my husband is so keen on doing this since our son and he have watched syndicated reruns of Three’s Company and they want to assess if the breasts of the actress playing Suzanne Somers are as large as those of the actual actress.

I don’t think I’m being a prude about this, but don’t you think there’s something terribly wrong here?

— Upset In Exeter

Dear Upset In Exeter,

Indeed, there is something terribly wrong. Over the years, Dr. Lovemonkey has tried to remain on guard for what I like to call "fake letters." I must say that your missive has all the earmarks of the classic fake correspondence (not unlike the woman who wrote in complaining about her husband’s habit of sprinkling crushed cornflakes on his genitalia and having the cat lick it off). I don’t think I’m wrong about this, but on the outside chance that this is for real, here are two answers.

If this is indeed a fake letter, congratulations on your creative abilities. I’d immediately call the local state child welfare agency and have the 13-year-old (if you really have one) carted away to live with foster parents since a) your husband is completely out of his mind, and b) you’re apparently incapable of providing a strong challenge to his obviously deficient parenting skills.

If this is for real, however, I’d suggest that you invest in a ThighMaster and brain your husband over the head with it to clear his fog.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I’ve been living with my boyfriend for almost two years and in the past few months he has been encouraging me to have anonymous sex with a stranger. His idea is that I pick up an anonymous guy and bring him home to have sex with him while he hides somewhere and watches. After it’s over, he wants to have sex with me because, he says, it will greatly increase his excitement.

I am not very interested in this idea and have told him so, but he keeps bringing it up. He mentions as an alternative that I could go and have sex with a stranger somewhere else and then come home and tell him all about it. I don’t understand how this is supposed to stimulate him, but he claims that it will. I have no intention of doing any of it, but I am wondering, what’s up with this?

— Anya

Dear Anya,

This is unhealthy for a number of reasons. First, you have already told him that you’re not interested and he should have dropped the whole thing right then. Dr. Lovemonkey believes that your boyfriend is trying to exercise control and dominance over you by wanting you to perform in this way. This indicates that he is an abusive person and I’d suggest ending this negative relationship immediately.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

My girlfriend of about six months likes to watch porno films to get in the mood to have sex. It’s not that I’m against it or anything, but I don’t really need it and I think it’s a little bit odd. I wonder if you think if this is odd and whether it’s a bad or good idea.

— N.D.

Dear N.D.,

No, N.D., it’s not odd and it is something that many couples do. Most people commonly use different forms of stimuli to "get in the mood," and watching sexually explicit films is quite a widespread practice. Outside stimuli can take many forms, and as long as this doesn’t make you feel extremely uncomfortable and your girlfriend derives pleasure from it, it’s absolutely okay from Dr. Lovemonkey’s perspective. It’s harmless and dare I say, normal.

Send questions and romantic quandaries to RUDYCHEEKS@prodigy.net