Swinging sanctimony

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

My problem has to do with my sister and her husband. They are active members of a Christian church and have frequently commented with others about how they don’t approve of homosexuality or abortion. In fact, they would probably be considered almost a stereotype of your basic right-wing, family-values fundamentalist — just what you think of when someone says, "Moral Majority." As you can probably tell, I have a much more liberal attitude toward these things.

But here’s the problem .My sister and her husband are complete hypocrites. I’ve discovered that both are involved in sex parties where mate-swapping and the viewing of pornographic films take place. Some of the other people in this little group of theirs are also members of the same church. I’m really so mad about this, but I’m not sure exactly what to do about exposing their hypocrisy. Got any ideas?

— Disgusted Sister

Dear Disgusted Sister,

There is a certain amount of hypocrisy in your sister and her husband’s lack of tolerance for others, and your anger is understandable. However, I don’t feel that it is your responsibility to "expose" them to the larger community. What they are doing seems well within the realm of "consenting adult" behavior. Although I find their attitude about gays to be stupid and intolerant (Dr. Lovemonkey is also strongly in favor of women’s reproductive rights), their own sexual behavior is strictly their business. They sound like soul mates of William Bennett, who has written a bunch of hand-wringing books about the moral decline of Americans while spending his spare time in Las Vegas, blowing millions due to a severe gambling addiction. Eventually your sister, her husband, and their church pals will have a comeuppance, but you should avoid being the agent for it.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

My boyfriend and I are considering getting married in the next six months, but there is one issue standing in the way. A couple of years ago, he went to the Carolinas to work for about a year and he came back an avid fan of moonshine whiskey. Apparently, some of the guys he worked and hung out with turned him on to the stuff and actually showed him how to make it himself.

In the past few weeks, he’s spent a lot of money buying equipment to build himself what he calls a "first-rate still" to make his own moonshine here in Rhode Island. He’s convinced that he can find a lot of customers for the stuff. I don’t want him to be doing this. He’s talking about quitting his job if his moonshine business takes off. What should I do?

— Not Ellie Mae

Dear Not Ellie Mae,

You have to be very firm and strong in telling him that you won’t stand for this. Your strongest argument isn’t that it might be a risky business proposition, but that distilling alcoholic beverages without a license is completely illegal! Tell him that you consider his envisioned moonshine operation similar to plotting a number of bank robberies and calling it a "business plan."

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I can’t wait for my wife to leave town with our two kids, so I can sit back in the living room, naked with a big pecan pie and a quart of vodka, and check out all the pay-per-view porno movies. Is there something wrong with me?

— Sammy Boy

Dear Sammy Boy,

Probably, but what concerns me more is why you would bother to write a letter about this.

Send questions and romantic quandaries to RUDYCHEEKS@prodigy.net