President Bush is leaning toward releasing a videotape in which Osama bin Laden says he was pleasantly surprised by the extent of damage from the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks.
— MSNBC, 12/11/01
Al Qaeda’s Funniest Home Videos
Osama bin Laden sits cross-legged on a rug, ready to deliver a diatribe against the US, when a Kalashnikov rifle propped on the wall behind him falls over and discharges, taking Mullah Mohammed Omar’s eye out and causing a chunk of cave to fall on bin Laden’s head. Raucous laughter.
The Vacation Tape
A young Osama bin Laden visits Disneyland, is turned away from Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride because he is too tall. Later, while eating cotton candy, he accidentally swallows part of his beard. After standing in line for over 45 minutes at Splash Mountain, bin Laden is heard to mutter, "I will crush you all."
The Taliban Dramatics Society Video
Osama bin Laden, starring in a production of Twin Peaks, lightly strokes the end of a grenade launcher. In the background, an Angora rabbit nibbles a carrot. There is a knock. In trot 13 mujahideen, bent at the waist, holding rifles above their heads. The rabbit speaks: "Ereht llahs eb on ecaep litnu eht live sgod og emoh."
The Real World: Tora Bora
Osama bin Laden, involved in an argument with his roommate, Ayman al-Zawahiri, over who gets the larger cave, throws a bowl of kabuli and threatens to "go jihadi on your ass." Al-Zawahiri tells bin Laden to "lighten up," and continues playing pool. "Ayman and I used to be close, you know?" Osama says to the camera. [Cut to sunset, the hills of Tora Bora] "I don’t know why he’s being such a bleeping infidel."
The Exercise Video
Osama bin Laden, clad in camouflage shorts and tank top, leads a room of aging mullahs: "Shake those fists! Raise those rifles! Stamp those feet! One more time! Spit! Spit! ‘Die, dogs, die!’ You in the back there! Spit like you mean it! Jab that finger! Jab! Jab! That’s it! Feel that righteous anger burn! God is great, but so are great abs! Yes, indeed! Hello, fatwa, goodbye, fat!..."