In the Kaiju International vocabulary -- a fantastic lexicon that includes diabolical epithets like Hell Monkey, Sky Deviler, and Anarchist Automaton -- Cube is the vilest four-letter word. A calculating mastermind, a self-described troglodyte, and a prolific bioengineer, Cube is a self-obsessed Napoleon with the Grinch’s shrunken heart and Ted Kaczynski’s social graces. Not only have masked men in medical scrubs done Cube’s dirty work (he calls his toadies “minions”), but Dr. Cube has purloined control of Kaiju International from its mysterious commissioner, crashed foreign economies, and reportedly enslaved disabled wrestlers in Kaiju-merchandise sweatshops in South Boston.
Cube held the Kaiju International championship up until this past November, when at Mayhem in the Atrium IV (a tournament held at the Museum School in Boston), a Space Bug named Uchu Chu hired an infamously greedy Japanese business exec, Super Akuma, to help him ambush Cube’s oppressive forces. Bedlam ensued and in the crossfire, the fire-red Hell Monkey, one of Cube’s most beloved creations, ended up decapitated. Cube is still seething from the loss of both Hell Monkey and the belt -- and he has feverishly vowed to strike vengeance on Uchu Chu and Akuma.
Cube’s distrust of people, especially the print media, is palpable. As such, Cube would only agree to be interviewed with the Phoenix via e-mail. Below is an edited transcript of our Q&A, as well as a sharp taste of Cube’s unabashed snobbery.
I was hoping to talk with you one-on-one, but Studio Kaiju PR says that you prefer interviews via e-mail.
You must have spoken to minion #24312. He is responsible for my public relations. Yes, I loathe speaking to humans one-on-one. They tend to think and communicate at an incredibly slow pace.
What's your first name?
Do you have trouble understanding the concept of first name and last name? Doctor is the first name. Cube is the last name. It’s quite simple if you would take a minute to think about it.
What was the most dangerous toy you had growing up?
I’m not sure you could understand my childhood. Because of my extraordinary intellect, I never played with Tinker Toys or Lincoln Logs. I enjoyed experiments with osmosis, synthesis, and gene splicing. My first successful creation was a spider crossed with a green pepper. Of course, I graduated to more successful projects, such as my beloved henchman Hell Monkey, and later the fierce Dino Kang. But the technology is too advanced for your comprehension. Aren't scientists only now discovering strategies for human cloning?
Where do you live?
I live in a house, of course, not too far from here. Specifically, in a robotic retrofitted Tory mansion, which sits upon 78 acres of human-less land, with my minions, exotic cars, and bird collection. The complex is totally wired. I can clap my hands and have my carp pond automatically cleaned.
What's the most disgusting part of the human anatomy?
The mouth.
What clothes do you wear to bed? Do you wear surgical scrubs?
I sleep very little. But when I do sleep, I wear expensive pajamas from one of my Eastern European sweatshops.
Have you ever been to a nude beach?
Oh, yes, by accident of course. I was performing underwater experiments in the Mediterranean, only to surface and find myself in the company of some rather unsavory characters. Not only were they frolicking around naked, they relieved themselves whenever and wherever they pleased. It wasn’t very proper, I must say.
How many minions do you currently have?
Too many to know for sure; I’ve been collecting them for a long time. Besides, for security purposes, I prefer not to disclose the exact numbers.
Do you fear your minions?
I made them. Why would I fear them? They are instruments of my own design. Why do you humans tend to fear your own tools? The computer is your friend – and so is the stick shift.
What's the biggest lie you've ever told to a human? To your monsters? To your minions?
Lie? What is a lie, but a point of view?
Who's your hero and why?
I enjoy the myths about Howard Hughes, Jan-Michael Vincent, and classical composers. I respect the Renaissance man as well.
Do you listen to music while you vent rage? What music do you listen to?
Vent rage? Music? Are you a professional journalist? One question at a time, please.
What do you think of interspecies dating/mating?
I have no opinion, because I haven’t the time to worry about such issues. You humans are constantly worried about your obesity and how idiotic you seem in front of one another, when obviously it doesn’t matter.
I've read that you want to control the world. Why do you want to control the world?
If you do not want the rule the world, you truly are an idiot. I never understood why Americans feared totalitarianism. Some of the most creative regimes in political history have been dictatorships.
And assuming that you do want to control the world, why don't you already control the world? People are a bunch of dumb slobs; it should be easy to pilfer their power. Why haven't you yet?
Unfortunately, I'm easily distracted by the contemplation of bonsai trees and the manicure of my Chinese garden.
What is your ultimate goal?
There is no one ultimate goal; goals are ever changing. Any second-rate book in the self-help section will tell you that. Still, as for Studio Kaiju, local domination is first; then regional, national, international, and universal. Spencer gifts is the ultimate.
How are you going about finding Hell Monkey's murderer?
Much like OJ Simpson, I have dedicated my life to finding " the killer. " As you might guess, I have many connections. It will not be that difficult. Super Akuma, the Japanese businessman who sold his soul to devils for wrestling fame is my prime suspect. He was seen following Hell Monkey backstage with a sack of American dollars, handed to him by Space Bug on the night of the murder. I’ve battled Akuma before in the three-roped concrete jungle known as Kaiju Big Battel, and I anticipate us meeting again soon.
How are you going to get the Kaiju belt back?
I will regain possession of the most coveted prize in monster wrestling with class and dignity. Not like the hack job executed by Uchu Chu the Space Bug and his goon Super Akuma. Granted they were successful, but two on one? That’s for children in the schoolyard. Also, you would never see Dr. Cube trying to sell the belt on eBay to get at his adversaries. Really, it's just not that creative.
You’ll see what happens at the next Kaiju Big Battel. It’ll all go down on May 14 at Northeastern University on the Quad, 12:30 p.m. And it’s free, for all you unemployed slobs.
