OF ALL THE indignities one suffers in the wonderful world of dating, perhaps none is so galling as the "Never Call Back" — or NCB — treatment. Getting the NCB has the power to send even the most secure person into a pit of self-doubt. The only thing worse than an NCB is several consecutive NCBs from different dates. This can make the most emotionally whole person consider a life of celibacy.

Women are especially vulnerable to the NCB, particularly if they subscribe to the belief that men should, by and large, do the calling. (It’s the whole hunter/gatherer debate ... but I won’t get into it here.) In these circumstances, if the object of your affection does not call you, it means that either a) he’s dead, or b) he’s not interested. Oh sure, there’s always the chance that he was struck by a car, fell into a coma, and thus couldn’t get to the telephone. Maybe there was a terrible family emergency to which he was summoned. But unless that family is living in a tea house in Nepal, there’s just no excuse for failing to pick up the phone within a week of a date.

Actually, there is an excuse: the aforementioned option b. But because it involves unpleasant musings, we assume it is incorrect until faced with irrefutable evidence to the contrary — like seeing a former date walking down the street right here in the US, seemingly healthy, and with all his limbs. That’s when you must face the dismal prospect that he just wasn’t interested. You pick your ego up, brush it off, slap it in the face a couple of times, give it a shot of Patron, tell it to stop sniveling, and shove it right back out into the dating scene.

"What is up with these guys?" asked my friend Paula, after I recounted my latest tale of NCB woe. "Do they forget how to use the phone? I mean, is it so hard to just call someone up and say, ‘Thanks, but no thanks’?"

I suppose it is. After giving the subject way too much thought, it occurs to me that, as women, we are the ones generally stuck waiting for the call. The guy, on the other hand, is generally stuck making it. If he doesn’t want to see me again, is there a better way to get that message across than by simply disappearing off the planet? I mean, why call to say you’re not going to call?

To be fair, women aren’t guiltless in this equation, by any means: if we don’t want to see someone again, we often don’t return the call, either. But because we think not returning a call is ruder than never making one, many of us call back even if we don’t want to see the person again. This means that women have much more practice making the "call to say I don’t want to call" call.

So, let’s assume that the NCB is, in fact, a fairly effective communication tool, in its own non-communicative way. Women who get the NCB should allow themselves to be disappointed for a day, then get over it and move on — again and again and again, as necessary.

But we should also note that there is a window of acceptability for the NCB. In my experience, if you go out with someone only once or twice, you’re off the hook, karma-wise, if you pull an NCB. But look out if you try it from three dates on. Unless it is very, very obvious to both parties that the relationship should be allowed to die from benign neglect, an NCB after three dates tends to throw women into a homicidal rage. This is especially true when the last communication between the two parties goes something like this:

She: "I had a great time."

He: "Me too. I really enjoyed myself. You’re great. Let’s do this again soon. How about sometime next week?"

She: "Sounds good."

He: "Okay. I’ll call you at the beginning of the week and we can make a plan." (Kiss goodnight.)

Based on that exchange, a reasonable person might expect to get a call at the beginning of the week — hence the confusion and disappointment when this call fails to materialize. But to the expertly trained ear, the above conversation carries many of the warning signs that an NCB is imminent. Take the comment "You’re great." It’s a dead giveaway. Those words mean, "I’m proactively trying to make you feel better about yourself because I’m not going to call." Second, let’s analyze the phrase "Let’s do this again soon." For reasons that I have yet to uncover, this phrase is always spoken before an impending NCB. Lastly, the unwillingness to set a definitive time for the next date before the end of the current date, while not in itself an absolute indicator of an NCB, is the nail in the NCB coffin when coupled with the other signs.

But why, one might ask, would a man (or a woman) say those nice things, thus building expectation of further dates, when he (or she) knows full well that another date is not going to happen? Because these are the things you’re supposed to say at the end of a date, and if you fail to say them, then the other person knows instantly that there isn’t going to be another date, which might make her (or him) angry or upset, and God forbid we should inflict emotional pain while the person is in the same room with us. No, it’s best to inflict the pain when the person’s safely out of range ... by just not calling.

But, as dating perils go, I suppose the NCB is better than the alternative: the "Won’t Stop Calling" (WSC). There’s nothing you can do about that except get caller ID and screen, screen, screen.

Issue Date: August 9 - 16, 2001