I HAVE A friend who went to nine bridal showers this summer. To me, that sounds more like a punishment than a social calendar, but it wasn’t the number of showers that bummed her out. It was the monotony. I mean, how many times can a person be expected to sit through the interminable process of watching a dear friend open 58 presents with methodical precision, so as not to rip the wrapping paper (which apparently would result in one mythical ancient curse or another, like childlessness, or getting pregnant right away — who the hell thinks up this shit?). At some point, it becomes just plain cruel.

And shower opportunities are currently limited — if you’re not getting married or having a baby, you’re pretty much out of luck. I think it’s time to mix it up, and I’d like to suggest some new types of shower that would finally give these deservedly maligned gatherings the shot in the arm they’ve needed for so very, very long.

First-new-car shower. Is there any event more momentous than buying your first new car? Of course there is, but when else will you be warmly thanked, even praised, for bringing your friend a set of jumper cables? The first-time new-car owner has every reason to celebrate, and she is probably ill equipped to handle the needs of her new bundle of joy. A new-car shower is similar to a baby shower, in that it welcomes a treasured member of the family, but without all the oohing, aahing, pastels, and Lilly Pulitzer twin sets. This co-ed affair is a homage to Detroit in all its internal-combustion, fossil-fueled glory. Gift possibilities are endless: pine-tree air fresheners, Turtle Wax and chamois cloth, travel mugs, license-plate holders, road maps, and hands-free cell-phone attachments. Perhaps a group could get together and chip in for a gift certificate to have the new addition completely customized, or, for those on a budget, buy the friend a detailing job at Mr. Detail.

Finally-got-laid shower. Has your friend been going through a particularly long, involuntary dry spell? You know the symptoms, even if he hasn’t come out and mentioned the underlying cause: he’s irritable and cranky, and gets that desperate look whenever you all go out to the local bar. He gives the eye to the boss’s 57-year-old secretary, and tells you he never really noticed what nice ankles she has. Maybe he just sulks around in sweatpants all day or, God forbid, starts hitting the gym seven days a week for three hours a day, convinced that he’s suddenly become fat. So when your friend finds that special someone and finally starts getting laid regularly, well, it’s like everybody is getting laid. The relief is palpable. What better reason to celebrate? If the special guest of honor is a man, nothing says " Rock on, brother " like a giant pack of condoms (available at any bulk discount store; buy him the size for " gifted gentlemen " and make his month). For a woman honoree, a gift certificate for a visit to the gynecologist is a thoughtful present that she might not buy for herself. And lingerie is always welcomed — although it will probably go unused for the first six months of the relationship, until things cool off a little. A copy of the Kama Sutra is appropriate for either gender. Fun party games could include a rousing round of " Weirdest Place I’ve Ever Done It " (and this time, let the honoree win), and a " tie a cherry stem in a knot with your tongue " contest.

Recently-laid-off shower. Once the initial shock passes, your friend is going to need some serious emotional and financial support. This shower is all about the money — although coming up with creative alternatives to the garish envelope of cash is what makes the event so special. Generous group gifts can include pre-paying the honoree’s rent for a few months, starting when the severance package runs out. Gift certificates to local restaurants are a great idea, as are baskets filled with those little extras that your friend may be tempted to cut back on as things get tight — like soap and toilet paper. Party games should focus on helping your friend vent anger toward the former boss in a constructive, nonviolent way. Paintball outings are best, especially if one of the guests dresses up as the boss in question. (Party tip: invest in a catcher’s chest pad and mask if you agree to play the boss.)

Moving-out shower. What happens when cohabitating couples break up? They think they have to split their friends, and they each lose half (or more) of their stuff. This modern shower, which takes place on two consecutive Saturday nights (one for each member of the former couple), will help your newly single friends deal with both these issues at the same time: you get to show them the love and help them rebuild their CD collections. Angry, drunken phone calls from both members of the couple immediately after the break-up will clue everyone in to exactly which stuff " that bastard/bitch took off with, " so coming up with gifts will be a no-brainer. Party games could include " I Remember, " during which guests tell stories about the first time they met the honoree’s evil other half, and what a jerk they thought he/she was from the start. (Party tip: make sure the couple is definitely broken up for good before playing this game, or you might never see either of them again.)

Kris Frieswick can be reached at krisf1@gte.net

Issue Date: September 6 - 13, 2001