The pressure is on. Valentine’s Day is fast approaching, and you, a guy with a girlfriend or significant other, are faced with the age-old problem: you don’t have a clue what to buy. Women are fairly demanding when it comes to Valentine’s Day — more so, I think, than on any other holiday. This is the day devoted to lovers, and if you screw up, she will remember. Possibly forever. During particularly heated battles with my father, my mom could be counted on to whip out her ace in the hole, the early-’80s Valentine’s Day when he gave her a garage-door opener. Do you really want to give your woman that kind of ammunition?
Although most men are thoughtful and procure lovely gifts for their beloveds, some are in desperate need of advice. So, in the spirit of romance, I offer my Valentine’s Day gift-giving tips for boyfriends.
1) Ask yourself: " Who is my girlfriend? " What size clothing does she wear? What’s her favorite perfume? Favorite color? Hobbies? Where does she get her hair cut? Think, man, think! If you don’t already know the answers to these questions, devote a day to finding out — with stealth.
Let me tell you of the everlasting damage wrought last year when my friend Ellen’s soon-to-be-ex-boyfriend bought her a coffee-table book about batik, an ancient Polynesian tie-dye art form. Ellen used to do batik —when she was 15. These days, Ellen collects artwork and interesting pottery. The items are displayed proudly throughout her apartment. The clues were there, but her ex didn’t take the time to ask himself the important gift-giving questions.
2) The longer the relationship, the bigger the gift. Some men assume that the longer you’re with your significant other, the less effort and money can go into the Valentine’s Day gift, since the deal is already sealed. Nothing — nothing — could be further from the truth. After dating for six months, you may buy a woman a small gift, such as a book on some topic in which she has expressed a profound (and current) interest. After dating for three years, you may not give her a book, unless it is the operator’s manual to the new car that came with it. The number of years that you have been together should be a rough guide for the number of digits in the price of that year’s Valentine gift (not including numbers after the decimal point). When you reach four years, you may balk at spending $1000-plus on a Valentine’s Day gift, but if you haven’t proposed after four years, a grand should be enough to assuage the disappointment she’ll feel when she realizes you aren’t proposing this Valentine’s Day, either.
3) If she says she doesn’t want something, do not buy it for her. Last year, Regina’s now-ex kept dropping hints that he was going to buy her perfume for Valentine’s Day. " I specifically said, ‘Please don’t, because I’ve been wearing the same perfume since I was in high school, and I’m very particular about it.’ " Naturally, she got a huge bottle of perfume — and not her brand. Her ex made her put some on in front of him. " I held my breath as long as I could, but I almost passed out. It was the worst-smelling stuff I’ve ever encountered. " What would possess someone to buy a person, any person, a gift that she expressly stated she did not want? I believe it was due to a medical condition that afflicts some men: temporary deafness that sets in when a woman’s mouth is moving. Don’t be that guy.
4) Just say no to appliances. Appliances are not " boyfriend gifts, " and no matter how artfully you disguise them, they never will be. Witness the carnage when Jim gave Rochelle a television. " I could have bought myself a TV! " she hollered upon seeing the well-intentioned — and very expensive — gift. Was Rochelle a greedy, self-centered bitch who deserved neither a TV nor Jim? Absolutely. Did she have a point, however poorly made? Yes. Valentine’s Day is about romance, not practicality — at least not until after marriage.
5) If you want to break up, just break up. Do not use gifts as a way to convey that you wish to end the relationship. Use your mouth to convey the message, and skip the gift entirely. And if you must break up, do it a minimum of one month before Valentine’s Day. If you missed the window of opportunity, suck it up, buy her a nice gift, and wait until at least one week after Valentine’s Day to deliver the bad news. Do not break up with your girlfriend on February 14. In some states, the Valentine’s Day Dump defense has been used — successfully — to get murder charges reduced to justifiable homicide.
6) If you’re going to purchase lingerie, never buy something with the letter X in the size. If you step into the minefield that is lingerie shopping, be warned: lingerie notoriously runs small, and one is often forced to buy the absolute largest size available in order to find a piece of lingerie that fits an average-size woman. Presenting your sweetheart with a piece of lingerie that is much too small is far wiser than buying her something that is the right size, but says " XXL " on the tag. Instead, buy her the medium, even though it looks barely big enough to fit a doll. Then express utter shock that she doesn’t fit into it, since you thought she was the exact same size as the saleswoman who sold it to you, who said she was a medium. Your girlfriend will love you even more when she goes to the store to exchange the item and notices that she outweighs the saleswoman by at least 30 pounds. That’s smart shopping.
Kris Frieswick can be reached at krisf1@gte.net
