One of MANY benefits of remaining single well into your 30s is the opportunity for rich and varied experiences with members of the other gender. My repeated exposure to the magic, mystery, smells, sounds, shapes, and wonders of the hairier sex has yielded many theories about men that have helped me navigate life’s relationship minefield ... or at least provided warning that I was about to step on a mine yet again.
Some of my most reliable theories include: 1) extremely handsome men are, in general, vain, self-centered, and surprisingly unintelligent, unless they were unattractive boys; 2) don’t date politicians, trust-fund babies, former high-school quarterbacks, ex-military pilots, and guys in the import/export business — they still believe women are chattel; and 3) if you want to know what a man’s genitalia look like, analyze his thumb.
But of all the hypotheses I hold dear, none has proven as widely applicable or unfailingly valid as my driving theory, which maintains that you can find out everything you need to know about a man’s prowess in bed — or lack thereof — by watching him drive.
In fact, a woman can find out much more than that. When you learn how to interpret the signs, you can discern a man’s entire worldview in one trip to the mall. So here, for the first time, is my theory of driving, in handy reference-guide format.
The car door. Almost all men will open your car door on a first date; failure to do so is a prima facie deal-breaker. However, if he’s still opening the door for you two months later, it means he respects his mother, votes in every presidential election, and enjoys performing oral sex. If he opens the door using the remote and gets in first, he’s probably not a very good communicator and will expect you to take care of yourself on the orgasm front, though he’ll usually wait for you to come first.
Stopping and starting. If he pulls out of a parking spot before looking to see if anyone is coming, or if he pulls too far into an intersection, he never got the memo that there are other people on the planet. This diagnosis extends to the sack. Venture not into that sack, for you will not be pleased. If, however, he lingers in the parking spot or intersection until every vehicle within a mile has had an opportunity to pass, he is not a risk-taker and may lean toward insecurity. He won’t be making any big first moves — in life or in the relationship. Fortunately, he is thorough and patient, and none of your sexual needs will go unmet — although it may take him four hours to complete the job, at which point you will be fast asleep.
Speed. If he observes the speed limit and all other posted traffic rules, beware. He may have an outstanding warrant and not want to call attention to himself, or he may lack a driver’s license altogether. For women who like bad boys, this seemingly counterintuitive clue may tell you that he’s the man of your dreams. If, however, there are no outstanding warrants for his arrest, you could be stuck with a bore who votes Republican and wouldn’t try 69 with a gun to his head.
Does he floor it, then slam on the brakes? Does he curse those who won’t yield the way to him, yet refuse to yield to others? There is no other driving style that predicts sexual technique and personality more accurately than this one. He is convinced he is the only person who knows what the hell is going on around here, and he has only two sexual speeds: "madman" and asleep.
Lane position. Beware of the man who drives in the left lane at 65 mph or slower, even when being honked at by drivers passing him on the right. This guy is a cerebral type, probably an artist or writer, who checked his common sense at the door some time ago. He is a brilliant conversationalist and will often stun you with his keen insights into human nature; unfortunately, none of these insights will have anything to do with what you were talking about when the insights occurred. He is creative in bed, but might forget your name. Be equally cautious of men who do 80 mph in the slow lane. These guys truly believe that none of the rules applies to them — especially the one about cheating on girlfriends.
Interaction with other cars/drivers. Are you sitting next to a man who checks out every passing woman? He either honestly doesn’t think you noticed (this tells us only that he is not gay), or he hopes you did notice (does he make a noise, comment, or glance your way after each ogle?). If the latter is true, watch out. He is deeply insecure and seeking validation. These traits color his life and sex style. He will put on a theatrical, overwrought performance in the bedroom (usually involving lots of talking), but you will feel more like an "audience" than a lover. The best way to win him over is to ignore him. But before you do that, be certain you really want to.
If you find yourself riding shotgun for a guy who swerves in and out of traffic at high speeds in an attempt to "win" an imaginary "race" against a perceived "opponent" (who is usually a man driving a more expensive car in the passing lane, and who is unaware of your guy’s existence), it’s another deal-breaker. He thinks nothing is good enough for him and is always looking for the next/prettier/younger woman. Breaking this deal will be difficult, however. Excellent car-handling skills translate directly into excellent girl-handling skills. But know this: if you stay, he will treat you like an obstacle on the road to his bright future ... in which he owns a more expensive car.
Kris Frieswick can be reached at krisf1@gte.net
