A long time ago, back before the Reagan administration, there used to be something called a pension, which was a pile of money, basically, that companies gave to retiring workers. These days, pensions have been replaced by 401(k) plans, which are like pensions, except that workers supply half (or, in some cases, all) the funds from their own paychecks.

Also, the money in 401(k) plans is invested, most often in the stock market. This wasn’t much of a problem back when stock prices were soaring through the roof. But then, just a few months after president-select George Bush granted us all that nifty tax cut, the market went south. Way south. As in Patagonia.

The result has been that those nifty little bundles of cash we were hoping would keep us in Tums during our dotage have started to, shall we say, dwindle.

I myself have a 401(k), which dates back to the distant era when, for some godforsaken reason, I was gainfully employed. I have tried, on several occasions, to remove my money from this plan. But it frankly requires more concentration than I can muster.

My problem with these plans isn’t that companies are forcing people to pay for their own retirement. Heck, that’s just your standard corporate greed. Nothing new there. I’m not even pissed that I’ve lost some dough. (I would have spent it on drugs anyway.)

No, what hacks me off is trying to make sense of the quarterly statements sent out to dorks like me. Dorks, that is, who have always had difficulty understanding basic economic terms such as " profit margin " and " change for a dollar " — statements crafted so as to be unintelligible to anyone who isn’t Alan Greenspan.

I now present, unedited and for your perusal, my most recent 401(k) quarterly report.

Bon appétit!

October 1, 2002

Gilkey Investments

1400 Airport Drive

Hangar 7

Phoenix, AZ

Dear Plan Participant,

Enclosed please find your statement for the quarter ending September 30, 2002.

Your assets are allocated in the following areas:

Large Cap Growth (18 percent): thanks to plummeting interest rates and volatile market activity, the Dow recorded a lower annual return than expected. While many consulting firms are bullish for the last quarter of 2002, our analysts feel stock activity has become too volatile to risk significant fundshare. Thus, limited capital transfers have been approved into an off-market setting. All available funds are being stored in a safe, dry location.

Large Cap Value (12 percent): low inflation and a brisk margin ratio helped whip investors into an unprecedented trading frenzy last quarter. A volume exceeding 2.7 billion SPM paired with reports of actual tooth marks left on the throats of floor traders indicate continued turbulence. We advise a leveraged position, though not with knit fabrics or bright-colored ties.

Long-Term Bond (31 percent): bond performance has been inconsistent, partly as a result of lengthy lag times on margin calls. Thus, depending on your risk profile, participant elections in this area have been funneled into one of several higher-yield areas. (See enclosed pamphlets: Ostrich-Farming Technologies, Eight-Track Revival!, A Few Favored Fluorocarbons.)

Money Market Portfolios (22 percent): a steeper-than-expected decline in the Consumer Obedience Index depressed retailers and spurred a run on chocolate and Xanax. Overall, fund managers appeared peevish, even sullen. Banking institutions dropped interest rates and the Federal Reserve followed suit by announcing an end to Casual Friday. On a brighter note, para-mutual holdings staged an unexpected rally when one of our handpicked greyhounds (Leash to Own) came in at 40-1.

International Equity (4 percent): fluctuating financial markets in Asia have unsettled foreign investors and caused a partial collapse of the region’s monetary infrastructure. What that means, exactly, is not clear, though the situation seems to involve a lot of running around and shouting. (Here at Gilkey, we see no reason to panic. Our CFO, Gilbert Gilkey, recently traveled to Taipei and had no problem at all finding taxis and a good, clean hotel.) Nonetheless, in an abundance of caution, we have converted the necessary funds into a multilevel marketing venture that will require only limited additional participant outlay.

As the accompanying charts and appendices should indicate, overall return for the quarter was vigorous, if elusive. To determine net gain, triangulate using Charts Four through Seven, remembering to hold Exhibit J up to the sun and squint just so, until the numbers appear to dance. Then subtract whatever you made last year and divide by six.

Should you want to change your fund allocations, please call our toll-free number (800-GILKEYS) and listen for an electronic menu. You will need your PIN number. If you do not have your PIN number, you will be unable to access the reallocation menu. Furthermore, your call may be monitored so that we can laugh at those of you with the gall to call without your PIN number.

A friendly reminder: this 401(k) program has been established by your employer to ensure financial tranquility in the event of unforeseen events such as the entire accounting department getting the shitcan and being replaced by a really cool computer system that doesn’t squander the company’s precious resources sending e-mails all day and whining about dental deductibles.

Despite recent market shortfalls, employees will eventually see a significant return on their assets, unless, of course, they leave the company before their 65th anniversary, in which case their money will be subject to forfeiture rules. (See Appendix Q.) Failure to follow these regulations will result in the loss of your entire vested equity.

Do not contact a lawyer or reputable accountant, as this will be viewed as a violation of the forfeiture rules and tantamount to a declaration of insolvency.

On a final note, please always remember that you are more than just a number to us. You are a valued member of our investing consortium.

Steve Almond’s new collection of short stories is called My Life in Heavy Metal (Grove, 2002). He can be reached at sbalmond@earthlink.net.