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Call me dated
On the eve of my wedding, here’s what I can tell you about playing the field
BY KRIS FRIESWICK

By the time you read this, I’ll be married. So it seems only fitting that I take this opportunity to review the experiences I’ve had over the past 23 years of dating (that’s not a misprint), and distill them into some pearls of wisdom for those currently playing the field. These lessons invariably end up sounding like the horrible, overused clichés that they are — but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t listen. The most experienced (read: old) people in our society are often ignored by those who are unable to see the profound truth of their advice — especially when it’s mumbled through loose, smelly dentures by someone who looks like they might have been a contestant on Who Wants To Marry Methuselah?

I do not wear dentures, but I was alive when the first John Kennedy bit it, so that qualifies me to lord it over you young’uns for a minute or two. So sit down, shut up, and pay attention. Because, man, when it comes to dating, do I ever know what I’m talking about.

Prime directive: When it comes to dating, put your own happiness first. Occasional altruism is fine, but don’t make a habit of it. (There will be plenty of time for that once you get married.) You get one life, and the point of it is not to "fix" potential mates with the healing powers of your love. Don’t compromise because you think you can’t do any better. If you’re not getting what you want, you can do better.

Cliché #1: Being alone is better than being with someone who makes you feel like shit. If someone makes you feel like shit, it’s not because you are shit, it’s because he feels like shit. Everyone can have a bad day or two, but if it becomes a habit, don’t bother trying to figure out what his problem is so that you can make it all better and be his savior. Just leave.

Cliché #1a: And yes, you will meet someone else as handsome/smart/successful/well-hung/big-boobed/etc. It is never your "last chance" at love. There are no soul mates, just people who have what you want from a partner who also happen to be in the right place at the right time. It might take you 23 years, but you will meet him or her. When you begin to feel desperate for companionship, refer back to Cliché #1.

Cliché #2: The thing you didn’t like about someone the first time you met him or her is the thing that will eventually break you up. Pay careful attention to your first impressions of people. They are correct 95 percent of the time. (I’ve made a hobby of ignoring my instincts, and only in hindsight can I see how accurate they were.) Most of us can’t remember how it feels to have a gut reaction, an instinct, or a hunch. The last time we acknowledged one, we were in our preteens, and too insecure to act on it. But instincts are your most reliable navigational instrument in the dating wars.

Cliché #3: You can tell how a man will be in bed by the way he drives.

Cliché #4: Weakness yells. Power keeps its mouth shut. The man with his gums flapping usually has the most to prove — usually to himself.

Cliché #5: If he/she cheated on a significant other to go out with you, he/she will eventually cheat on you, too. Maybe not right away, but one day, and for the rest of your life.

Cliché #6: Learn the difference between "working on the relationship" and "banging your head against a brick wall."

Cliché #7: People are like UPS packages. You can sign for the whole package or send it back, but you don’t get to change what’s inside. You can’t pick out just the items in the box you like. You have to take the whole thing. Or not. Those are your options. This is an ironclad rule. You have as much of a chance at changing someone’s essential nature as he or she has of changing yours.

Cliché #8: If he/she doesn’t call you back, it’s because he/she doesn’t want to talk to you.

Cliché #9: Get a life. To paraphrase John Lennon, dating should be what happens to you while you’re making other plans. If dating (or not dating) becomes the sole focus of your life, you’re doomed. You can’t control how other people feel about you, so focus on the stuff you can control — which is the shape of your own life.

Cliché #10: Spend the summer reading the classics (start with The Odyssey, which is still the best adventure book ever written). There is no experience, feeling, or frustration that you’ve ever had that some brilliant writer hasn’t already explored thoroughly — even if it was a millennium ago. Human beings haven’t changed a bit through history, and it’s comforting to know this when you realize that although you haven’t had a date in six months, Penelope waited 20 years for her man to come home from running a few errands and fighting the Trojan War.

Cliché #11: Don’t be thin-skinned. Almost nothing is about you. Most people have their heads stuck so far up their butts that they don’t even realize there are other people on the planet. If you feel someone has said something insensitive, or done something insensitive, it’s because he or she is a clueless clod (I should know — I am one). It is not because they have any specific negative thoughts about you. This knowledge is the only thing that will allow you to return to the dating scene time and time again.

Cliché #12: Smile, and learn how to dress to flatter your figure. I know you rebel against dressing to attract mates. It’s degrading, you say. It objectifies me, you protest. That, sweetheart, is the point. And as my dear departed mother so rightly clichéd to me when I was a young’un, you catch more flies with honey than vinegar.

Cliché #13: Every day is a gift. If you can wake up, take a deep breath without it hurting, wiggle your fingers and toes, and remember your name, if you have teeth to brush, a roof over your head, food on your table, and people in your life who love you and whom you love, it is a beautiful day. Everything else — everything else — is gravy.

Now, if any of you married folks out there care to share some of your time-tested wisdom about the wedded state, I am all ears. From here on out, I’m in uncharted territory.

Kris Frieswick can be reached at k.frieswick@verizon.net.

Issue Date: June 13 - 19, 2003
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