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I’m a 21-year-old straight guy with a boring, straight sex life — until a few months ago, when something terrifying happened.

Back in May, I was contacted by somebody through Match.com. She claimed to be a grad student at my school, had a very attractive photo, and we began IMing. She talked about how she was looking for a casual deal, and she started going on and on about how much she loved giving head and liked receiving anal. I thought, it’s Match.com, that’s safe, and she’s a grad student at a good school. Nothing to worry about.

So I agree — awful decision — to meet up. When I get to the bar where we agreed to meet, she calls me and tells me to come to her friend’s apartment instead. When I get there, it’s totally dark. She calls again and tells me not to turn any lights on when I come in, just to get naked in the bed and wait for her. I decide to leave, as I’m afraid I’m going to get robbed or beaten up. She calls again and says we can meet at another nearby bar. I wait at the bar for 10 minutes. Another phone call. She tells me she can’t come to a public place because she isn’t comfortable, but asks to give me oral sex. Another awful decision: I go back to her "friend’s apartment" and comply with her original instructions. I don’t turn on any lights, I get naked, I get in bed. A slim person comes into the dark room, but there’s a towel covering her face and I don’t get a look at her body. She starts going down on me, it’s awful and uncomfortable.

Then the horror. While I’m not paying attention to her — instead concentrating so I can climax and get the hell out — this person gets on top and inserts me into her. Unprotected. I suddenly realize I’m feeling something I’ve never felt before: anal sex. I was inside for maybe 30 seconds before I jumped out of the bed. "She" ran out. When I turned on the lights and looked around it seemed clear that I was in a man’s apartment. I got out of the place in a hurry and didn’t look back. I should have called the police, but didn’t.

Since the moment this happened, I’ve been living with a crippling fear of HIV. During the summer I got tested three times — four weeks, six weeks, and nine weeks after the incident, all negatives — but that only calms me down for a few days until the panic sets in again. I told my best friend about this, and he pushed me into therapy, and I’ve started seeing a psychiatrist.

Here’s the advice-needed part of my letter: Aside from continuing therapy and getting re-tested, how can I put my life back together? Casual mentions of HIV/AIDS are enough to induce an anxiety attack. I barely sleep at night. My (nonexclusive) relationship with a girl I care about has been ruined. (Or: I ruined it, no passives.) Do you think I have grounds to file an assault charge? I certainly accept my part of the responsibility for this — it was my horniness and carelessness that put me in a vulnerable position, and I did give my consent to the oral sex. But I did NOT give consent to have anal sex with anyone, and if it was a man I didn’t consent to ANY of it.

Shortly after this happened, I contacted the person again, asking if she/he was clean. She/he responded by suggesting that we meet again. Would it be a good idea to arrange another meeting? Obviously I wouldn’t put myself at further risk, but I could at least figure out the person’s gender — by force if I had to.

_Scared And Seeking Advice

An attractive girl lurking on a personals site offering no-strings-attached blowjobs and anal sex (but not, curiously enough, vaginal intercourse) to men she’s never met? Not on planet Earth. (Yes, yes: There are plenty of women who are into oral, anal, and NSA, but these women are, by necessity, a hell of a lot more cautious than this "woman" was — and they generally don’t wear towels over their faces.)

Okay, let’s get to the advice part of your letter. Aside from staying in therapy (which I recommend), getting re-tested (at three and six months), and refraining from stripping naked in a darkened apartment and accepting blowjobs from "women" with towels over their heads, how can you put your life back together? By taking this statement of fact to heart: Your chances of getting HIV from the encounter you describe — briefly being blown, a moment in someone’s ass — are vanishingly small. Even if this person is HIV-positive, it’s still highly unlikely that you were infected.

But it’s not just the fear of HIV infection that’s keeping you up nights, is it? What really concerns you is this mysterious person’s gender — hence your fantasies about meeting up with this person again and determining her gender "by force." The suspense is terrible so let’s end it: You definitely fucked a dude, SASA.

Were you raped? Should you press charges? I’m running out of space, but my spider senses tell me that shitloads of people — cops, lawyers, rape counselors, and guys who’ve been similarly victimized — are going to write in. I’ll run their responses, and more of my thoughts, in next week’s column.