E-Mail This Article to a Friend Stifling creativity

Any words of wisdom on girlfriends, boyfriends, and spouses who claim to be GGG, but systematically take away much of what they give by making it clear that they are not "into it" even as they fulfill their lovers’ fantasies?

For years my wife has indulged me; however, she nearly always prefaces fetish sex play with a statement that makes it clear that she is doing so only grudgingly: "I really don’t feel very creative right now, but here goes …" "This isn’t what I really like, but okay …" The result? Either aborted sex play or sex play that highlights the fact that only one of us is taking any pleasure in it. (As every fetishist knows, the other party taking open or tacit pleasure in indulging the fetish is an important element in fulfilling almost every conceivable fantasy). Is it passive-aggressive revenge? Hostility toward me generally? A self-conscious person needing to relieve some anxiety, clumsily but not hostilely expressed?

Whole-Hearted, Interested Participation Means Everything

I strive to be fair and balanced, WHIPME, but lately some Savage Love readers have accused me — me! — of gender discrimination. It’s no coincidence that I tend to come down on the pro-fetish and fantasy-realization side in most disputes, my critics contend, because men are likelier to be fetishists. I’m just another voice out there telling women there’s something wrong with them if they don’t cater to a man’s every whim.

This criticism is wholly without merit. In my defense I would point to the countless times I’ve advised straight men — ordered them! — to cater to their female partners’ needs. I’ve advised straight boys to: eat pussy joyfully and frequently; happily incorporate their women’s vibrators into the action; wear strap-ons if their dicks are small and their women occasionally long for that "filled up" feeling. Shit, I’ve all but offered to come over and strap down straight boys who were reluctant to submit to the aspiring peggers in their lives. Gender bias? As noted feminist Mary Poppins once said: Pish-fucking-posh, beyotch.

But to prove that my pro-kink, pro-fetish, pro-fantasy-realization stance has nothing to do with my dick, I’ve asked Midori — famous sex educator, author, feminist, and full-fledged, lifelong female — to grab the Savage Love reins for a week.

"Does she use guilt-tripping and passive-aggressive statements at other times?" Midori asked after she read your letter, WHIPME. "The same statement can come from a person who feels they lack technical confidence or a person who harbors resentment. If it’s passive-aggressive behavior, you have more issues around basic communication then you do around your fetishes. Perhaps a couples counselor?"

If you determine that she’s not passive-aggressive — and you’ll have to ask the wife to determine that, WHIPME — what does Midori recommend?

"The next time she says she’s not feeling creative, smile and tell her how much you enjoy what she has done and you enjoy her gift to you. The next time she says ‘this isn’t really what I like, but okay …’ ask her what she’d like and figure out how to combine both your needs. Maybe she’s feeling that her needs are not met and hasn’t been able to express that. I have seen many eager fetishists focus so much on their own fantasy fulfillment that they leave their partner feeling unheard. After a while, feeling unheard can lead to seething resentment."

I’m a straight, 26-year-old, relatively kinky male. I met a woman I’m crazy about. We connect on so many levels. However, she’s opened up to me and told me that a man raped her when she was a teenager. She says she still has trouble dealing with this. What struck me as odd was that she told me this after the millionth time she asked me to "rape" her, tie her up, hold her down, call her foul names, etc. I thought I was helping the woman of my dreams get off, but now I feel a little weird. Does she have this fetish as the result of being raped? Is there a sensitive way to bring this up with her?

Suddenly Reluctant "Rapist"

"A person’s kinky sex fantasies of ravishment and objectification/humiliation are not necessarily about some repetition of past traumas," says Midori, "so the real issue here is that you feel confused. It’s not your job to fix her, but you can understand the situation so you can decide how you feel. Here’s the sort of thing you might want to say to her. ‘Sweetie, our sex life is just totally amazing — wow. And I’m crazy about you. I am also touched that you shared with me what happened to you when you were a kid. You know I’d never want to harm you, so I’m a bit gun-shy about the sort of kinky sex we have. I don’t want to be the bad guy in your nightmares. So maybe you could tell me about how you feel with those fantasies?’"