E-Mail This Article to a Friend Mere Pinstripers no more BY CHRISTOPHER YOUNG

It’s like April Fool’s. Are we at the point where discretion is just not exercised? It’s not even the rich getting richer, it’s like creating the eighth day for God. Their line-up, it’s like the All-Star Game. Actually, it’s like the Hall of Fame All-Star Game.

— Devil Rays pitcher Rob Bell to USA Today

A few days before Christmas, we wrote a column titled "If I Were a Yankees Fan, I Wouldn’t Be Smiling Right Now." That was reasonably true then; it is not remotely true now. Alex Rodriguez’s move not to the Red Sox (as anticipated) but to the Bronx Bombers (it happened — really!) has changed things a bit. "Laugh it up, funny boy" is now the mantra in the New York metropolitan area. And why shouldn’t those Manhattan-clam-chowderheads be smiling now? Their team is as formidable as it’s been since 1927, and it’s a veritable all-universe team of offensive talent. Consider the projected batting order for your 2004 New York Yankees: Kenny Lofton, Derek Jeter, Rodriguez, Jason Giambi, Gary Sheffield, Bernie Williams, Jorge Posada, Hideki Matsui, and a second baseman (Miguel Cairo?) to be determined. On the hill? A rotation consisting of Mike Mussina, Kevin Brown, Javier Vazquez, Jose Contreras, and Jon Lieber. In the pen? The newly acquired Paul Quantrill and Tom Gordon. Wrapping up? None other than Mariano Rivera.

These are no longer your garden-variety Yankees that everybody but New Yorkers loves to hate. This is a murderers’-row line-up supporting an aces-high pitching staff. They are stacked, and they are trouble.

There is also no logical reason for them to lose anymore.

Therefore, they can no longer be rightfully called the "Pinstripers." They must now be referred to as the "Theybetterwinstripers." Because there is no longer any excuse for this team to falter — not with this potpourri of unmatched talent.

They won’t go 162-0, but it’s not too far-fetched, given the roster, to anticipate the Yankees going, oh, 127-35. Sure, the Red Sox will give them occasional trouble in their 19 head-to-head match-ups this season, but the other teams — those which the Bombers will out-payroll by $100 million or so — should have no chance given the comparatively laughable players they will throw out on the field. Think about it: when the Yanks open their 2004 campaign by taking on the Devil Rays, the scoreboard reflecting total payrolls will portend the impending rout on the field: $190 million to $21 million. What does that mean? In non-scientific terms, it means that New York has 17 $10 million players that the Rays do not, and that on paper the Yanks are nine times as talent-laden as Tampa Bay is. A-Rod’s original deal (before the Rangers picked up $5 million of this year’s tab) had him earning this season the same amount as the Rays’ entire roster. And if you compare the teams player-by-player across the board, the Yankmeisters have an overwhelming statistical advantage at every single position except perhaps center field (Kenny Lofton vs. last year’s Rookie of the Year second runner-up, Rocco Baldelli).

So Tampa Bay realistically has no chance against the Yankees in any of their 19 head-to-heads, although we’ll give them one out of pity.

The Theybetterwinstripers should similarly vanquish the White Sox, Tigers, Royals, Twins, Rockies, Padres, Orioles, Blue Jays, Rangers, and Indians — all teams on their 2004 slate whose total payrolls are one-third or less of New York’s. Even teams on the schedule that have comparably bloated payrolls — and those $100-million-roster teams include the Mets and Dodgers — do not begin to match up talent-wise with the Yanks, and should become similar road kill this season.

The only teams that would seem to have a chance of winning an sporadic game against the Empire Staters are those rich in pitching and other intangibles: the Red Sox, A’s, and Angels, to name a select few. No other squads seem likely to muster the occasional firepower to inflict those hard-to-find thirtysomething losses on Torre’s Tories.

So Yankees fans are delighting in their good fortune, as well they should be. They’ve again been shown that their owner "cares" more than do other owners in the game, and the situation in place proves that the franchise is more "committed to winning" than anyone else. It’s obvious.

But if I’m a player for the New York Yankees ball club, there will be more than a little bit of pressure on me to produce — and this goes way beyond the fact that eight members of the club will make $10 million–plus this season. They will certainly be expected to earn their wages, but as a team they will be expected — like no other team in professional-sports history — to win. Every. Single. Game. It’s only natural. If you’ve got the best players — and their total payroll says they do — then you should emerge victorious every day.

Of course, it’s tough to explain how that hasn’t happened the last three seasons. Indeed, the team has failed to win the World Series since way back in 2000. Still, those Yankees teams had deadwood like Raul Mondesi and Sterling Hitchcock and Jeff Weaver and Rondell White and Ted Lilly and Robin Ventura sabotaging their efforts (although admittedly, they also had the likes of Roger Clemens, Nick Johnson, David Wells, and Andy Pettitte). This team has Gary Sheffield, a career .299 hitter and owner of 379 home runs; Kevin Brown, a six-time All-Star and holder of nearly 200 career wins; Javier Vazquez, who’s racked up double-figure wins during the last four seasons; Kenny Lofton, one of the premier leadoff hitters in the game; and, if that’s not enough, A-Rod, the reigning MVP of the American League, seven-time All-Star, two-time Gold Glover, who’s on pace to break the Babe’s HR record!

It’s all fallen into place for the Bronxsters. Most nights all they’ll have to do is avoid a forfeit and they’ll be able to chalk up another victory, so staggering and magnificent is their overall roster. Al Davis’s Raiders’ motto has always been "Just win, baby." The Yanks’ credo will be "Just show, baby." The wins will undoubtedly follow.

But what if they don’t, on a nightly basis? What if they actually lose, say, three out of every 10? Who ya gonna blame? Ghostbusters?

"Well, we didn’t get the pitching we would have liked to get tonight, and the [fill in opposition name here] took advantage." Didn’t get the pitching? How will that be possible when you’ve got the likes of Moose, Brownie, Vaz, Flash, and Sandman (Rivera) on the mound?

"You know, we just couldn’t put the hits together consistently to get anything going tonight." Surely, you jest. With the aforementioned line-up, the Yankees should hardly go an inning without scoring, much less struggle through a whole Damn Yankees game. With the offensive players New York has pine-tarred-up right now, it’s realistic to expect the team to run laps around the bases and put up double-digit scoring every night.

"We’re struggling as a team right now." That’ll go over well, especially with one George M. Steinbrenner III stewing over his calzone in the royal suite. The Yankees owner didn’t dole out this kind of money and surrender to additional revenue-sharing and luxury-tax dollars to see the best team money can (possibly) buy "struggle." That’s what normal clubs do; all-star teams by nature should always have somebody available to pick up the slack when a particular player goes through a rough stretch, gets injured, or has to fly off to attend the funeral of a beloved nana. With their depth, the Theybetterwinstripers should conceivably always have somebody who can produce at the drop of an interlocking-N-Y hat.

So there you have it. With the 127 wins the Yanks will surely accrue, baseball commissioner Bud Selig will undoubtedly award the team a first-round bye in the playoffs, force the other three AL teams to play a round-robin tournament of sorts to determine the patsy that will play New York for the pennant, and then the World Series will be a mere formality against another overmatched foe.

Someone like the Cubs. Or the Diamondbacks. Or the Marlins.

Best of all, there will be no excuses. After all, in any match-up, the Yankees are obviously the better team, and they’d better win.

Or else.

"Sporting Eye" runs Mondays and Fridays at BostonPhoenix.com. Christopher Young can be reached at cyoung[a]phx.com