E-Mail This Article to a Friend Why ‘Tom Brady’ stinks Playing the name game BY SCOTT KATHAN

As a writer and editor who occasionally dabbles in poetry (and who listens to hip-hop, an incredibly underrated source of inventive wordplay), such literary devices as alliteration, onomatopoeia, and rhyme, not to mention good old-fashioned inspiration, are important to me. Constructing compelling prose is both a mind game and an ear game, as often the sound of a succession of words (even words not read aloud) can imbue a clause, sentence, or name with creative flair.

What does any of this have to do with sports? The answer is twofold: Cesar Crespo and Pokey Reese. These two players, both new to the Red Sox this year, have two of the coolest names our local sports teams have featured in years.

A few months ago, I was somewhat aimlessly flipping through a few old albums of baseball and football cards from my youth. I am not a serious collector — I think my last new card was purchased in 1982 — but I do enjoy keeping my old cards around for the sake of nostalgia. What struck me was that contemporary ballplayers for the most part have names that are lacking in pizzazz, flow, individuality, and well, coolness. But now, with the addition of Cesar Crespo (great alliteration and pop) and Pokey Reese (fantastic nickname that flows perfectly with the last name — a real old-time-sounding moniker), my thirst for great sports names has been at least partially quenched. For years, all I had to satisfy this admittedly odd craving was Nomar Garciaparra, but, to his credit, Nomar is such a great ballplayer and all-around good guy that I heard his name a little too much, and it became almost trite, thus losing much of its appeal (too much of good thing is still too much). The really great sports names have to be at least a little bit obscure, and not belong to superstars.

Page McConnell, the keyboard player for the jam-band favorites Phish, has a side-project band called Vida Blue. Now, serious baseball fans know Blue as a great pitcher of the ’70s and ’80s for the Oakland A’s, San Francisco Giants, and Kansas City Royals. Presumably, McConnell and crew named their band after him because they thought his name sounded cool. While that kind of thinking is obviously admired by a guy like me, I think they could have done better. First, Blue was a bona fide star, thus making the selection dubious from the outset. Second, there are much better names from that era to choose from.

Johnny Wockenfuss was a catcher (for the Detroit Tigers on the card I have; I understand that the players I am listing here probably played for other teams, but I am identifying them only in relation to the specific cards I own) with the kind of last name you can’t make up. Yankees, A’s, and later Blue Jays third baseman Mickey Klutts better have been a smooth fielder, lest his name be seen as a self-fulfilling prophecy. Cesar Geronimo, the great outfielder for Cincinnati’s Big Red Machine of the 1970s, definitely makes my Great Name All-Star team. Power-hitting Milwaukee outfielder Sixto Lezcano has a moniker more than worthy of a band. The Pittsburgh Pirates dominant side-arm reliever Kent Tekulve certainly belongs in the Great Name Hall of Fame (and, as an added bonus, he looked exactly like what you’d expect from a "Kent Tekulve"), as does former Minnesota outfielder Lyman Bostock. "Lyman Bostock" — say that one aloud a few times, and you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about. A few others to throw out there, just for fun: pitcher Wilbur Wood, outfielder Bombo Rivera, third baseman Enos Cabell, and, one of my all-time favorites, former Atlanta Braves catcher Biff Pocoroba.

Flipping over to football (and yes, all of this makes me wish I had also collected basketball and hockey cards in my youth), names like New York Jets safety Shafer Suggs are definitely ready to grace a character in somebody’s novel or movie. Likewise, Broncos wide receiver Haven Moses, standout Bengals defensive end Coy Bacon ("Coy Bacon, Coy Bacon, Coy Bacon"; c’mon, you know you want to say it), and Houston Oilers punter Cliff Parsley deserve at least a mention. Just for the heck of it: Mick Tinglehoff (Vikings center), Curley Culp (Oilers defensive tackle), Roger Wehrli (Cardinals safety), and former Giants safety and current television commentator Beasley Reece.

On the contemporary sports scene, however, such evocative appellations are sadly lacking. Maybe the trend among parents has been to bestow more generic names on their offspring, or perhaps great-named individuals have somehow been driven into pursuits other than athletics. Whatever the explanation, the proliferation of great nicknames (with the exception of people like Pokey Reese) has certainly gone downhill. Perhaps the parents are doing their children a service by giving them names that are more homogenous, and thus less likely to make them the subjects of schoolyard ridicule. But "Tom Brady" is never going to make my All-Star team.

"Sporting Eye" runs Mondays and Fridays at BostonPhoenix.com. Scott Kathan can be reached at skathan[a]phx.com