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[This Just In]

MIXED MESSAGES
Positively ridiculous

BY CHRIS WRIGHT

The US Navy found itself caught in a public-relations wrangle this week when the San Francisco Chronicle reported that sailors aboard the aircraft carrier USS Enterprise had written a homophobic message on a bomb destined for Afghanistan. The offending line — " High Jack This Fags " — was immediately denounced by gay-rights groups. Defenders of proper English usage, meanwhile, remained strangely quiet.

Responding to the controversy, a Navy spokesperson, while pointing out that the US military has no official rules regarding what can and cannot be written on bombs, expressed official disapproval of the act, and said that sailors would be told to " keep messages positive " in the future. He failed to mention what form these positive messages might take.

SORRY doesn’t seem to cut it, and neither does WHOOPS.

BOMB seems a little bit literal-minded.

It is indeed a tricky matter. YOU STARTED IT sounds whiny. HIGH JACK THIS YOU BADDIES sounds wimpy — and doesn’t correct the original grammar problems. IT’S FOR YOUR OWN GOOD would probably ring a bit hollow — as would GIVE PEACE A CHANCE and NOTHING PERSONAL. Advertising slogans HAVE A COKE AND A SMILE or YOUR WAY RIGHT AWAY might seem opportunistic. AT LEAST IT’S NOT NUCLEAR would provide scant comfort to those who found themselves in the bomb’s path. GET OUT OF THE WAY! and IF YOU CAN READ THIS YOU’RE TOO CLOSE would simply defeat the bomb’s purpose. Perhaps an inspirational line: THE WIND OF ANGER BLOWS OUT THE LAMP OF INTELLIGENCE.

Nah.

The bottom line is, there’s nothing very positive, and never will be, about 2000 pounds of high explosives landing on your head. And anyway, does anybody on the ground actually read these things? The answer, of course, is no. Unless the bomb doesn’t explode, in which case it might be prudent to write something like PLEASE DELIVER TO OSAMA BIN LADEN on it. Hey, you never know.

Issue Date: October 18 - 25, 2001






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